Todays OkStupid and Plenty of Creeps Inbox!

   Serendipity and I have online dating accounts. There is no better end to a long day than to read creepy messages from strangers who want to date/murder you. Here are some recent emails from Serendipity's OkStupid (OkCupid) and Plenty of Creeps (Plenty of Fish) inbox. These are 100% real. Typos and creepiness left for your enjoyment!

Hello xyz,
   "My name is Manfred. Your profile caught my attention and I feel we could enhance each other’s lives. Beside pleasant looks you seem to have personality. I like especially that your interests include writing, painting and hiking and that you value kindness, compassion and emotional strength, and that you are looking for a man who is REAL.

  Are you yearning for a mature, gentle, accomplished and educated man with substance, perception, creativity and compassion? I am a linguist and writer from Europe and have an exciting life with lots of interests…all that’s missing is a young female ….feminine, natural, sensitive, vulnerable, and in touch with her feelings…is that you? Then I would like to give you all my love, treat you with respect and adore you with passion....

If this strikes a chord in you have a look at my profile. I hope you feel we could be a great match and I look forward to hearing from you!'

Oh Manfred! I am so young -- so vulnerable! You are just the old man I've been looking for. And how did you know my friends call me XYZ?!

"but, I am into clothes. I do not spend a whole lot of money on clothes, but I find that I own a whole lot of different jackets and the like that I have found on adventures. I am soft-spoken, and I find that often my attire can speak volumes."

  

 I like a man with a variety of jackets.

"I know you already know your really good looking. I am

not here to try and sale my self to you. i just ant to
say hello, Feel free to talk to me when u can.i know if
u give me a try has a friend you will see i am a
great,respect,charming, man."

Uh oh! You sound a little angry. A little murdery too....


 "I'm terrible with being social, so my friend recommended messaging someone on here. I told her I would just send one for now. I was looking through what it said my matches were, saw your eyes and said, ok, I will message her. lol I have been feeling lately that my passion for life is being stifled by the negativity around me. I'm hoping to find more positive energy in my life. Message me back if you wanna chat. It's very possible that all came across as creepy. As I said, I am no good at this."

I recommend refraining from using the words "creepy, stifled, negativity, and terrible" in your emails to strangers.

Well, I don't think any of these men are your prince charming Serendipity. The first guy sounds like he might be a gem. Do you want to be Mrs. Manfred? What about the guy with all of the jackets? Never a dull moment with a man with an exciting wardrobe! 

Wino Cleanse Day 1

I'm suppose to be going all raw. No meat (only broths) no booze, no coffee, no fast food. 
Had cold pizza for breakfast. I am almost certain that left over pizza is not raw. Oops. Don't tell Serendipity! I had some raw stuff after that. I ate asparagus and salad. Tea instead of coffee.


I have a real gift for finding loopholes. Cool Whip, cheese, and Ice cream are all technically raw.

This is going to be torture.


x
Feathers

Bathroom pictures and why they are not sexy...

I love cell phone bathroom pictures just as much as the next person! However, there are some things to consider when taking a cell picture of yourself...
One would be to not get a shot of the toliet in every picture you've ever taken. Nothing takes away from your beautiful face like an open toilet seat.
Perhaps try standing in front of it, or better yet find another room in the house with a mirror! If you are a real champion, you will muster up the confidence to take a picture without having intensely stare yourself down! I clearly do not take my own advice.

                                 I'll stop here but you get the idea.

You Might Be Single, But Please Wear Pants

 Going through a "dry spell?" It's not the worst thing in the world to spend most of your time watching TV in a Snuggie with your dog. The tumbleweeds drifting through your love life will pass with time. Before I start, I feel the need to defend the Snuggie. Have you ever allowed yourself the pleasure? It's kind of like a hug but it's a blanket -- WITH SLEEVES. Sure, you can wear your bathrobe backwards but it's not the same. It's so simple! You're just sorry that you didn't think of it first. Also to remember, always wear pants with your Snuggie or your family will not want to spend time with you anymore.

Pants-wearing is another topic I'd like to touch on. Although I personally support your no-pants lifestyle, it is very important to wear them when leaving the house. Remember, CVS, Wal-Mart, and other all-purpose stores (although familiar) are not your living room. They have those 'No Shirts, No Shoes' signs for a reason. I realize they don't address NO PANTS but apparently it is supposed to be a given. Underwear is also important. Going "commando," however freeing, can come back to haunt you for the rest of your days.

For example, here is a real-life situation where you should probably wear underwear:

You never know when you might find yourself laying on the grass after a car accident surrounded by EMT's (who are also your coworkers), and hearing them argue about whether or not you peed yourself. You are 99% sure it's coffee. This could just be the most humiliating moment of your life -- but you are wrong. This is the most embarrassing moment of your life is only 10 seconds away when you realize that you are, in fact, not wearing any underwear. And you are in a dress.

    Do not bother with a recovery story. The EMT's do not care that you were on your way to help your friend clean her house before a party. Intentions hold little importance in an emergency; it really doesn't matter that you were planning on putting some on later.

 As it turns out, you cannot die of humiliation. Just keep reminding yourself that you probably won't be able to go back to work anyway so it doesn't matter that all of your coworkers just got a free (and very disturbing) peep show. This moment is a little lesson in underwear-wearing. You can tell your grand kids one day. Here's another scenario to consider:

Example #2:

  You made it down the street to the hospital! Your dress is taped around your legs because the EMT's were trying desperately to preserve your dignity. In a fit of panic you call a friend! Sometimes it's just nicer to have a quiet person around. After all, your girl-friends would lose their minds if they saw you strapped to gurney! Girls are over-dramatic. Always! D:

  However, there are some things to consider before choosing a hospital buddy. Remember that you are at a medical facility. Doctors will be asking you questions -- questions you have to answer, like "How much do you weigh?" and "When was the date of your last menstrual cycle?" and my favorite "Are you pregnant? Are you sure? Is there any possibility you might be pregnant? We have to know!" Suddenly you are regretting your decision to request company. You should have suffered alone! Too late... now answer the questions!

Now all of your coworkers know about your closet 'Comando' life style. Also, your hospital buddy knows how much you weigh and all about your menstrual cycle! Are you still alive? Good. At least he knows you're not pregnant. Whew!

x
Injured Feathers (with a few tiny edits by Serendipity)

Wino Cleanse

  Serendipity and I have decided to make some drastic diet changes. We have concluded that if we are going to live otherwise unhealthily (ie eating everything and never working out..ever) we better adapt at least some healthy habits. Besides, you only have one body right? Right. Time to stop living like hobos.

  Because we are extreme personalities and cannot do anything half way - we are going on a raw food diet. I have done it before and with great results. I am grateful that I am no longer working across the street from my best friend and my enemy, Chipotle. That should make things easier.We are giving up wine, coffee, soda, and fast food. I will do my best to update on any progress/mental breakdowns. Hopefully this does not result in us pulled over on the side of the road eating tacos and crying into wine bottles at midnight. 

We shall see.

x
Feathers and Serendipity

Tommy is gonna be on TV!!!!!

Warning: If you are overly sensitive and overly defensive turn back now!!!! You will be offended. If you are planning on leaving the house, don't. Lots of other things might offend you/hurt your feelings/upset you.

  Vicariously living through your friends is fun! You can imagine my delight when my friend Tommy Ratliff landed a gig with Adam Lambert! I spent about a week doing his make up everyday for the audition process. I felt like I was part of the excitement. Tommy was born to be a rock star! That giant hair-do needed to be appreciated and adored by the masses. Once he secured a spot in the band as keyboardist/bassist he told his friends about his debut at the American Music Awards! I was so proud. Burbank is a relatively small city--when somebody makes it, we celebrate! I made sure to be home in time to watch. I innocently told my parents and siblings and we made a night out of it. We popped popcorn and gathered in the den.

 

Dad is a beer drinking mechanic. His masculinity was sorely wounded. Mom thought it was quality entertainment! Cookie was not available for comment.

Little sister was asleep so she didn't think anything.

And then for some reason (which I still cannot explain) everyone looked at me for answers. Everyone wanted to know how and why! I explained to my family that despite my awesomeness, I did not choreograph the Adam Lambert AMA performance.

                                                                          THE END


xo
Feathers ( Follow me on Twitter here)

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How a sandwich ended my 5-year relationship...

  Let me start by saying that Kev really was a great guy. We met when I was 14 (in band camp) and fell madly in love. However, by the time I hit 18 we were growing a bit tired of each other. We had grown into completely different people, but alas, we did not know how to end things! Breaking up seemed so permanent -- and stressful! So, instead of ending things the healthy way, we waited until we were toeing the line of murder. I learned a lot from this relationship: what it truly meant to love another person, compromise, and trust... but mostly I learned what it meant to be blinded by rage.

It was the start of another day and Kev picked me up for school around noon. We had enrolled in college together (mistake #403) and had coinciding schedules. We would take turns packing lunches for one another and it was Kev's day to feed us. He reached in the backseat of his Explorer and said, "Here, I got you Subway." I opened the wrapper to inspect my sandwich and, to my horror, it was smothered with mayonnaise! I hate mayonnaise. I hate it more than natural disasters and incurable diseases. It is slimy, tasteless, and has literally billions of calories per teaspoon (ok maybe not literally.) I had been very vocal about my distaste for mayonnaise throughout the span of our five year relationship. By this point, I was infuriated.


Here are some different ways I could have reacted:

I could have cried and sniffled in the sweetest way possible. Men usually panic when you start crying. He would feel like a neglectful fool and apologize! I would have gotten a new sandwich and he would have wallowed in guilt. I probably would have gotten special treatment for the rest of the day!

If I was somewhat mature I could have wiped the mayonnaise off with a napkin and shot dirty sideways glances at him. I wouldn't say anything but I would add it to my silent passive aggressive list of "Things I hate about Kev."

If I was in denial I could have smiled and laughed it off! After all, it is a simple mistake! Mayonnaise may be the bane of my existence, but so are a lot of things.

Well, needless to say, I responded how anyone would with a boyfriend of 5 years. I chose to see the sandwich as a personal attack. He was destroying me from the inside and this was the final straw! I shed my human form and yelled like I had never yelled before.

Once I regained consciousness there was no denying it anymore! I knew the relationship couldn't continue. He had just bought me a sandwich with mayonnaise on it and nothing was going to get better. I was a crazy demonic satan spawn and I was okay with that. But this wasn't healthy for either of us.

After ripping the sandwich to pieces and force feeding it to him (Okay I'm not that crazy. I made that up. I totally should have though!) I had him drive me home and we didn't speak for about a year. I felt bad and he was scarred for life. Okay, so I could have handled it better, but the break-up was coming anyway. If it hadn't been the mayonnaise, it would have been something else.

Moral of the Story: Pay attention to how your girlfriend likes her Subway. Also, when it's time to break up, it's going to happen no matter what you do. Fate will intervene. Try to end on a good note... or not.

Just so you know, me and Kev are still friends. :) But we never go to Subway.

Black Friday Sale!

This weekend only save on your purchase from Hide Your Feathers Jewelry with free shipping and discounted international shipping!

Hide Your Feathers Jewelry has been the official gear for Adam Lambert's US and International Glam nation tour! Hand crafted jewelry is a wonderful and one of a kind Christmas gift! Click on the links above or click here to shop!

Adam Lambert in a Hide Your Feathers boa!

Camila Grey of UHUH HER and Adam Lambert in her HYF custom order!

Liz Hill of BannerHill and Alison Iraheta rocking her HYE!

Why rescuing is awesome!

1. Rescuing a dog is money in your Karma bank! If you think there might be a chance you are not going to Heaven, adopt an orphan dog! Poof! All is forgiven.

2. It's already trained! No puppy pads soaked in urine all over the house and no shoe attacking. Maybe a little shoe attacking...

3. Pet store dogs are often raised in illegal puppy mills. Puppy mills harbor animal abuse and lots of other terrible things. We do not like puppy mills.

4. Your new friend just wants to love you! What's better than that? Nothing. 

5. You can have anything you want! I have an adopted turtle, 2 dogs, a bird and a bunny. They all live in blissful harmony.

Meet Petunia! She is from the California Bull Dog Rescue. She was severely neglected and suffers from dry eyes and anxiety. Other than that she is in great shape and is ready for my undivided attention! She is my Grandma's so I guess that makes her my Aunt.

x
Feathers

Attention Turkeys!

Dear Twitter people,

 Thank you so much for everything you have done for me. The support for my jewelry business is more than I ever could have asked for. I never thought I would see the day that I would be able to work from home and save up enough money for college. I can afford a Bachelors degree now because of all of your encouragement and support. I am the first person in my family to finish a college degree and I couldn't have done it without you. I really feel like I can do anything now! I am so lucky and so grateful to know all of you. Thank you again for the beautiful flowers! If everyone was as kind and thoughtful as all of you the world would be a better place.

X

Feathers

Serendipity (aka Theresa),

This year has been a whirlwind of utter madness! I am grateful everyday for your friendship. With out you I would be completely lost! (where am I?) Drinking wine and watching Phantom of the Opera just never gets old. You are so much fun its ridiculous. You are my soul mate, my best friend, and my angel of music! Thank you for all of your selflessness and encouragement. I am your biggest fan and I can't wait to see what the world has in store for you. You are the strongest and most incredible human being I have ever known! I will always be on the sidelines cheering you on! Go other half, go!

<3

Phantom

Little Sister,

 Ten years ago today we brought you home from the hospital! You are even more amazing than I knew you would be. Thank you for keeping life fun and exciting! How many 20 somethings get to have a kid sister? I am one lucky big sister! You are beautiful, smart and so much fun -- I am so lucky to have you. Don't ever stop calling me Nana, it makes me feel special :)

No man will ever be good enough for you.

Love

Big Sister

Mom, Dad and Eddie,

  Thank  you for letting me live in your house and eat your food. Thank you for letting me sulk around the house for a month after my car accident -- I don't know how you guys stand me sometimes! Thank you for never questioning my "methods" and not only letting me be crazy, but encouraging it. I am so lucky to have parents at all, and to have good ones is even better. Mom -- you are amazing. Thank you for thinking for all of us, we would all starve and fall apart without you! Dad-- you're a little weird but I'm a bulldozer because of you! Thank you for working 60 hours a week of manual labor for us. Eddie -- you are the best brother ever. I'm sorry I fed you plastic food and dressed you up like a girl when you were little.You are hilarious and so sweet, watching you turn into a man has been surreal! Thanks family! You guys rock.

Love
Your eldest and favorite child

Cookie,

  I totally forgive you for abandoning me in my time of need and not coming near me when I was rocking that neck brace. All is forgiven. I will still walk you and feed you and stuff. Thank you for looking like Snuggles the bear from the paper towel commercials. You are very cute and you are a fabulous sidekick.  Congrats on all of your twitter followers, you are a rock star!

Love

dog mom

Cookie the real rock star and that other guy.

How to tweeze a man's eyebrows.

Step One: Lock all of the doors -- he will try to escape. Convince him that it is the right decision and that you are not the evil tweezer lady (even though you are.) After all, glittery eyeshadow looks weird over hairy man brows!

Step Two: Catch him. Use any means possible. Bait him with peanut butter or whiskey.

 Step Three: Offer a bribe or a reward. Show him that you have done everything to make him comfortable. Give him a sleeve to chew on and a towel to grab. If you don't, he will squeeze the crap out of you and no matter how skinny and girlish he looks, boys are strong and it hurts!

Step Three: Prep his skin. Remember, men are huge babies when it comes to pain so humor him by holding an ice cube on his eye brow before you start. It doesn't really do anything, but he'll think that you "care about his feelings" and that you aren't laughing hysterically on the inside.

Step Four: Once he is somewhat relaxed, put one hand behind his neck. Don't move too fast or you will startle him! Smile a lot, giggle, and crack some jokes. Once you have him in a lose headlock, you can start tweezing.

Step Five: Tweeze as fast as you can! Don't give him time to cry. If you have to, tighten your anaconda grip and don't let go! You're doing him a favor. Giving him time to dwell on the pain makes it worse. Expect a Oscar worthy Best Drama performance! He will act like you are killing him. Focus on your tweezing and don't get distracted by all of the hilarious faces hes making. If you can, try to greet his pain with sympathy, keep your laughter on the inside.

Step Six: When you are all done shove him in front of a mirror. Tell him how beautiful he looks! Don't give him anytime to collapse into himself and cry. He'll be so distracted by his beauty that he will forget all about it! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done!

Manscaping is dangerous. It is a sport and it is not for the faint of heart! Good luck to you!

x
Feathers
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DRUNK STORIES: Cinco de Mayo with Feathers and Serendipity!

 Serendipity and I started our day off as usual, skipping through flower fields and giggling! It was Cinco De Mayo and we didn't have any plans. We, of course, bought a bottle of Tequila... a big one... but we had nowhere to take it.

While partying alone in  the backyard (as we often do), we heard party noises coming from the other side of the fence. We grabbed the bottle and ran around the block. Always bring booze when crashing a party.

 We got to the party and found a fiesta of young gay men! Needless to say, we had a great time. We played drinking games, ate chips and salsa, and talked about shoes. At the end of the night Serendipity and I stumbled back home, but suddenly we realized that we still had our neighbor's lighter! We couldn't just keep the lighter, that's definitely breaking a commandment, so we decided to stumble back around the block and give it back. We got all the way to our neighbor's house only to find that the fence was locked! We were horrified, but we couldn't just give up!

This is where our drunk alter-egos took over. Keep in mind, everyone has a drunk alter ego. In my mind, I am a swift and elusive ninja, and Serendipity is a 7 foot Viking with more muscle than the Terminator!

 After a few seconds of staring at the fence trying to figure out what to do, Serendipity slurred, "Stand on my back, I'll lift you over the fence!" It was all so simple! Serendipity would crouch down on the cement, I would stand on her back, and with her immense Viking strength she would lift me over a 9 ft wall! I would use her spine as a stepping stool and leap the rest of the way, landing gracefully on the other side like a cat.

I was wearing heeled cowboy boots, but I didn't think twice. I paid no attention to the height of the fence and the fact that Serendipity is a 5'5" woman. What did I think was going to happen once I reached the top? I was going to drop kick, somersault and land on my feet. YES! I am a drunk-acrobatic-flying-cowboy-ninja!

Our plan was flawed. Contrary to popular belief, Serendipity cannot stand up with a drunk girl on her back, and I do not posses the ability to fly. Our master drunk-plan ended something like this:

I put my shoe back on and then another genius plan came to me. I saw a gap in the fence between the hinges and the garage. Yes! I slipped in sideways (like a ninja) and unlocked the door and let her in. We gave her neighbor back his lighter and stumbled home. (In case you're wondering, yes, we could have just rang the doorbell.)

 The next morning we woke up with the worst hangover ever recorded in history. We decided to get a greasy, convenient breakfast somewhere. Serendipity got into her car, leaned back, and screamed! She said her spine felt crushed. We brainstormed for a while, and finally bits and pieces of the night came back to us. Needless to say, we swore off tequila for the next few months and went back to drinking rum and wine.

The moral of the story is to always run your drunk ideas by at least  one semi-sober person -- that way you wont try to climb on your friends back and fly over a 9 ft. fence.

x
Feathers x Serendipity