Hide Your Feathers

A suggestion to the Food and Drud Administration

2011-07-26T01:49:00.000-07:00

5 Things I Learned from a BDSM club....

2011-06-11T17:53:00.000-07:00

... and no, we're not talking a BDSM-themed club where people wear leather and listen to heavy metal music. We're talking... well... the real thing. You know. Whips. Chains. Subs and Doms. Scary vibrating machines that I'll let you Google on your own.

So how did I get roped into this? As a naive vanilla-girl, I was invited by a friend and ended up knee-deep in a terrifying underground excursion.... A corset and nine-inch-heels later, I found myself standing in a room full of creepy silent spectators as women were stripped naked and whipped and beaten by their "Doms" -- for mutual pleasure!

By the end of the night, this is what I walked away with:

1) Hot Topic is not what you think it is. After getting a first-hand look at the BDSM scene, everything from thick eyeliner to platform boots took on new meaning. I suddenly realized that what has become a teeny-bopper franchise is actually a BDSM clothing store for children. Think cutting is Emo? Try a whip....

2) The vampire trend suddenly makes sense. We are raising a generation of BDSM freaks and we don't even know it! Let's not forget that Stephanie Meyer herself admitted to finding inspiration for Twilight from a freaky dream, in which a hot guy said "I love you... but I want to kill you." (!!!) Mysterious, abusive men obsessed with "biting" women, and women who are turned on by it? Oh god, Twilight, what have you done?

3) Men are gross. But we already knew that.

4) Metal chokers are not just a fashion statement! Ever wondered if your coworker or neighbor is into BDSM? Saw them packing a bag of whips, chains, and leather wrist restrains into their car? Your daughter seems to be spending a lot of time going out at night with creepy friends? A lot of "subs" will wear metal chokers or other small tokens to remind them of their "double life." Now you know!

5) People do the darndest things! And right when you thought you'd seen it all, someone pulls out a paddle and starts beating you for fun. What is wrong with people? How does an abusive relationship become something kinky and fun? Why is it that while standing in the club, I felt the acute sense that I was surrounded by normal, everyday people who just wanted to partake in a bit of pain? I will never condone the lifestyle now that I've seen it, but really... aren't we all such strange creatures?

OKStupid Update!

2011-06-08T16:35:00.000-07:00

My online OkCupid dating account exists solely for my own entertainment. Here are some letters from dashing young suitors! If this doesn't make you want to meet up with a stranger from the internet, than nothing will!

*Typos and creepiness left for your enjoyment.

I responded to this guy and then decided to ignore him. This was his response:

"I really don't get you I'm polite, Outgoing, tried messaging you,........I'm really tall....good looking....outspoken....not a pussy and a great writer (I might have a mainstream comedy soon) I contact you and you don't even get back to me after the first time? Well best of luck to you....sounds like you have got a great sense of character.....good luck you'll need it not too many people like me on here.... "OMG MY BUTT IS SO HURT RIGHT NOW"

Here are a few in Serendipity's inbox....

#1...
"so im messagin you cuz i want sum1 real, i love red heads and nope im not into clothes or trends, i dislike the whole expensive clothes thing, im pretty simply im not into wastin money as i can always think of a better way to use it like help the needy then waste it on expensive things, im just turned christian and em lookin to for a special female lady chick friend, if you like sweet honest guys with tattoos that enjoy the small use of cannabis beer and wine, small use not a stoner not a drunk but i take what the Holy Father has giving the earth with thanksgiving, but if that bothers you sorry, although a foot rub may calm you down=) i love giving those and im sure you like gettin them... or maybe you never had one but what can you do. Love to hear from you God bless"

PLEASE let me be your female lady chick friend!

#2....

"Well... I'm a good guy and six flags is awesome... and spontaneous adventure? Well I tend to be struck with "moods" to do weird things at times.. LOL does that count? You do seem awesome like a possum... I'm cooler than a fan myself... and your profile says you like children so me being a.single father with literally the most gorgeous lil girl in the world thats a good thing.. lol... but let me ask you this... do you know how much a polar bear weighs?

Just enough to break the ice.. hi I'm Jake... LOL ok corny I know.. but you know its funny!
Plus I'm kind of a writer so I like a woman that loves to read... "

Weird moods, huh? Do any of these moods include murder? And way to sneak in the "single father" thing....

#3....
Hi there, I haven't been on this site in a looong time so i was just browsing. I have to stay up until 10am tomorrow for Black Friday (i work retail) and it's 11:24pm now as i'm typing this so that'll let you know how incredibly bored I am.

Anyways, I read your profile and we have alot in common! I mean like, alot alot. I don't want to lead you on or anything (not that I could you live in California and you wont relocate!) But I have a girlfriend, you just seemed really cool and I thought it'd be cool if we could just chat and be friends :-)

Thats not weird to do on a dating site right? lol.

Anyways, I like making friends, I hope you would concider being a pen pal.

I don't get on here much, so if you do the email thing that goes right to my phone.

stupidperson@fakeemail.com [email changed to protect the innocent!]

Just put "Freakishly Artistic Girl" in the subject and I'll remember who you are lol.

If not then I'll just say you seem to be a very cool person and hope all is going well on the other side of Americia.

So you live across the country, have a girlfriend, and want to be friends online??? Sounds like the IDEAL MATCH!!!

_______________________________

And there you have it! More winners from the internetz. Stay tuned for more updates! :)

THE MAN RAG

2011-01-20T16:16:00.000-08:00

DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

Some douchebag picks you up in his car, drives all pouty back to his house, proceeds in drinking a bottle of vodka and then quietly cries himself to sleep. You try to engage him by chatting, watching TV, asking him about his job or even trying to have sex... but nothing works. He's in a bad mood and you might as well be a fly on the wall.

THE MAN RAG (also known as "man-period") can last 5-7 days and is often accompanied by excessive pouting, bloating, complaining, drinking and fatigue. Are you and your man in a fight, or is he on his man-rag? Here are some ways to tell:

1. PMS (Pouty Man Syndrome): It seems like everything you say makes him pout. And the more he pouts, the more you want to scream at him. He won't look you in the eye or directly respond to anything you say. Also, lots of drama. For instance, he jumps out of your car at an intersection because he wants your attention, or locks himself in his room to write in his journal.

2. Man Bloating: Suddenly all he talks about is how fat he's getting. I hate it when men talk about their weight. STFU. He won't shut up about the extra ten pounds, never mind that he's 6ft tall and you can't tell anyway. Also, he keeps touching his head and saying he's going bald. All you can do is deny it and take another sip of your cheap wine.

3. Video Games: Some guys play video games for "fun," but in this case it's a sign of severe depression. You can tell how sad he is by how many explosions are coming from the TV. He's sad... but really, he's mad. At everything. Especially you. And the only way he can cope is by shutting his bedroom door and turning up the volume. If you haven't already, I would suggest taking a wino nap.

4. Munchies: McDonald's breakfast at 3am? Is your man an emotional eater? How many bags are stashed under his half of the bed? Your man's food cravings are hard and fast. French fries, cheese sticks, pizza, hamburgers, chili dogs, nachos... no wonder he's feeling bloated! Don't worry, he'll stop eating in a few days when he realizes he's being an oversensitive douche.

5. Booze: You date a good guy and he doesn't usually drink, but suddenly there's a six-pack next to his computer chair and all he'll talk about is how controlling you are. Suddenly it's your fault that he doesn't drink as much as he wants, or that his friends never come over, or that he has to stay extra hours work. He wants to break out and feel like a "real man." He wants to drink, fight, drive fast and piss in an alley somewhere. All you can do is steal one of his beers and plan a night out with your girlfriends.

6. Weird Sex: Does your boyfriend suddenly want to role play, try a new position, hump in an elevator or experiment with whips and chains? Is he feeling creative and you can't wait to hop on board? Even worse, does his libido seem completely dead? You might be in the middle of a big pouty fight, but expect the make-up sex to be wilder and kinkier than any you have had before. If the opposite is true, don't be disappointed if he can't get it up because of the excessive drinking and fast food.

HOW TO COPE

Patience is a virtue! Never forget that you are smarter, stronger, faster, and more emotionally independent than your boyfriend. If he's on the man-rag and driving you nuts, try a bottle of wine (or two.) Get out of the house. Go on a "date" with one of his friends. Exercise. Take a vacation for a week. No matter what you do, the sure-fire way to fix this problem is to leave it alone. If you disappear for a few days, by the time you return he'll be starving, lonely, horny, and dying to make it up to you.

HI I'M COOKIE

2011-01-19T08:16:00.000-08:00

Hi, my name is Cookie! And in this post you are going to learn all about ME!

1. First thing you should know about me... is that I am made of cloud.

Long ago, I floated to Chantala's house on a white cloud. I came to her in a dream, and when she woke up -- poof! There I was!

2. I like mud.

Mud is delicious. It tastes like chocolate dirt. I also like eating the little squishy things that I find in the mud. Sometimes, when no one's looking, I roll in mud for hours and hours... and nobody knows!

3. Sometimes I get sad.

Sometimes I get yelled at and everyone gets mad at me. I don't know why. They scold me and I feel sad, so then I hide.

4. I love fiestas.

I am a spanish poodle (un perro caliente) and I like to celebrate my heritage by throwing big parties. Everyone drinks lots of bubbly juice and gets very happy. I like to cuddle with my friends and fall asleep with everyone on the couch.

5. My room mate is an evil genius.

I have a roomie named Sally.... She's plotting world "donamation" or world "dalmation" or something like that. Sometimes I make fun of her hair because it looks like a dandelion. I'm bigger than her, so sometimes she uses me as a stool. She barks a lot.

6. I have a pet bird.

His name is Mr. Holly. He doesn't know he's my pet bird... but he is. Here's a picture of him and my roomie.

7. I like to nap.

Napping is wonderful... I spend most of the day napping or playing in mud. Sometimes I nap so much that I forget to wake up.

8. I eat feathers. I am an important assistant to a large feather corporation... my job is to eat as many feathers as I can find. Sometimes I accidentally inhale them and they get stuck to my brain. This is a picture of me at work.

9. I am really the Phantom of the Opera. Surprise! Bet you didn't recognize me, huh?

10. I study philosophy. This is me reading the Tao of Pooh. I am the uncarved wood.

11. I hang with rock stars. (That's me in the sunglasses.)

As you can see, being a cloud poodle is a lot of hard work. I live a busy but productive life. Nice to meet you! Be my friend @CookieParris!

How Limp is Too Limp?

2011-01-15T15:23:00.000-08:00

READERS BEWARE: Do not read this post if you have a sensitive stomach (or if you are easily offended.)

This past weekend, I had a revelation: life outside of high school is rampant with ED. No, not "Executive Directors" or "Early Death" or even "Extreme Disappointment." My friends, we are talking about Erectile Dysfunction.

Yes, I have seen men as young as 20 stricken with this terrible disease. There is nothing worse than making out with a guy, reaching for a handful and finding a package of gummy worms. Is it because of too much sex? Too little? Too much to drink? Not enough sleep? Bad diet? Nervousness? FEAR? The cause of ED is as mysterious as the female orgasm, but don't worry too much! In this post, we are going to explore the different kinds of ED and a few possible remedies.

THE LIMP LIST

1) THE HANGED-MAN. The Hanged-Man may be hung, but he is also full of guilt. Guilt because you remind him too much of his mother, or maybe he was raised too religiously and can't relax during sex, or maybe he's cheating on you and actually cares about your feelings. Whatever his reason, the very act of sex kills his libido even better than falling into ice water.

THE CURE: Dye your hair so you don't look like his mom. If you really love him, you may want to try sex therapy or psychotherapy... or, better yet, try abstinence. Abstain for three days and he'll bust down your door.

2) THE PANSY. Oh no, he's afraid of you! What did you do? Did you impress him with your years of bedroom experience, or did you tell him you're a virgin? Well, congratulations for following our amazing dating advice, but this is one of the unforetold setbacks. You've kept him in a cage in your basement too long and he's scared to come out. Or maybe he's just scared of sex in general, in which case, sounds like he may need to "man up." Either way, there is a simple cure to this problem:

THE CURE: A good solid beating.

3) DRUNK DERK. Perhaps the worse and most easily recognizable problem, "DD" arises after a night of too many drinks. It's common at frat parties, birthday parties, New Year's Eve, baby showers, Halloween, and wedding receptions. Drunk Derk also happens to be one of the key signs of alcoholism. Is your man an alcoholic? Now you know.

THE CURE: A nap... or a 12-step program!

4) FLACID OR ACID? Just like Drunk Derk, Acid (or "Crack") Derk is also a sign of a serious drug problem. This kind of ED can be identified by your man's blank, empty stare. Does he look cracked out? Are there pock-marks on his face? Meth scratches? Track marks? I would be careful to check for signs of STD's and possible "loser syndrome," which can strike any man at any age.

THE CURE: BREAK UP and run for the hills!

5) THE FALTY BALLOON. It inflates. It deflates. You take it for a ride and it breaks down. Perhaps it is not complete ED, but you're still the one doing most of the work and getting very little reward. It's like playing with a sponge or a water balloon. Fun to squeeze and smack around... but that's about it. TFB can be caused by many things: age, bad diet, distraction, stress, etc. In fact, half the time TFB has no real cause at all. So what's the deal? How do you cure it?

THE CURE: You can't... you're better off carrying a bottle of viagra in your purse. Spike htis drink, think of it as a dating enhancement pill! (and carry a bottle of Jack to drink your sorrows away....)

There you have it! Five kinds of ED and possible cures. Remember girls, never let your man drink too much on a date, always carry a condom, and never put a condom on a limp derk. You'll only end up wasting your rubber. ;)

Lots of love!

x
Serendipity

Top 5 Revelations of 2010

2011-01-05T09:38:00.000-08:00

2010 was a big year. Lots of stuff happened. I think, just maybe, I might have learned something... or maybe not. Either way, here are a few revelations that I had this year:

5) Dying your hair is fun. Ever wanted to be a new person? Try therapy. Ever wanted to look like a new person? Try radically dying your hair! The best part is lying when people ask if it's natural. :)

4) Don't take stuff personal. Like when your best friend runs drunkenly down the street at 2am yelling that you "don't really love her." Or when a creepy guy looks you up and down and mutters "Well, at least you're proportionate." Or when a homeless bum asks you if you're over 40, and you just turned 22.

3) Everyone has an opinion. Yes, everyone, including you. But that doesn't mean I have to listen! People would be happier if they had less opinions.

2) People are crazy. Before this year I held out hope that there was some golden age when everyone magically matured and became normal. But now as I enter the adult world, I find that my suspicions are confirmed... yes, everyone is fucking insane. It appears that as we grow older, we also get weirder. It's all downhill from here!

and, my #1 revelation of 2010....

1) Men never grow up. Never. Ever. Not in their twenties, thirties, or forties... and by the time they're fifty, they're half dead anyway. Men are emotionally and psychologically weaker than women. Their ears are hundreds of times less developed than ours; the communication centers of their brains are notably smaller; they are less compassionate, more prone to violence, and way, way more sexual. And the saddest part is that we can't live without them. :(

There you have it, a few small revelations for 2010. Hopefully 2011 will find me with a new, awesome hair color and miraculously change my opinion of men. Happy New Year, everyone!

x
Serendipity

Adam Lambert Art by Serendipity

2010-12-29T20:05:00.000-08:00

My Christmas Eve

2010-12-29T02:48:00.000-08:00

I spend every Christmas Eve with my dad's side of the family. My aunt and uncle have two children and lots of... lizards. My aunt also has a lot of extended family, most of which are 65+.

My Uncle Red just so happens to have traveled around the world... many times. While he was telling me all about his travels, I asked for any travel recommendations he might have! I figured he would know best. Instead I wound up trapped in an endless conversation as he talked in circles and circles...

Somewhere in his confusing speech, I'm pretty sure he called me "husky." Bastard.

I checked out of our "conversation" and checked back into my drink.

I love children but there were so many of them! Why are there always hundreds of random children running around on Christmas? My aunt's children, plus her neighbors, plus my siblings = 1.5 billion children. They own a lot of pets -- mainly reptiles. They make me hold them, but you can't really hold a lizard. All you can do is sit still while it climbs up your neck and latches into your hair.

I stayed on top of my eggnog and took my annual Christmas eve nap in the den. Every year my parents get upset that I fall asleep, but I say it's tradition. In all it was a nice holiday.

Spending time with family can be painful -- be happy you only have to do it a few times a year.

Happy New Year!

Don't Worry -- Its Natural!

2010-12-25T20:54:00.000-08:00

Forcing yourself to go to bed with sleeping pills is much easier than falling asleep naturally. Turning your noisy brain off is hard. I have been taking store brand sleep aids for the past month since I've hurt my neck and back. A lot of people told me to ditch the store brand sleep aids and try 'Melatonin' because it's natural!

The first night I took Melatonin I physically could not wake up. Opening my eyes was painful and near impossible. I was unable to break through the cloudy veil of this "natural substance" and regain consciousness. I vaguely remember waking up for short periods but "must sleep more" followed by unending darkness was all I could think. When I finally woke up at 5 pm I was scared and confused. What happened to me? I looked at the bottle on my night stand in horror. Natural my ass -- I was in a drugged coma for 15 hours straight! To make it worse it was already dark. My entire day was gone, lost in a bottle of Melatonin. I wandered around the house like a zombie for half an hour in shock over my unnecessary sleep marathon.

A few days later my brother came staggering into the kitchen at 4pm. Wide-eyed and pale he mumbled something about "too much sleep" and "those pills!" His Melatonin coma was about two hours shorter than mine.

The whole "natural" sales pitch is such a gimmick! Lots of things are natural. Getting mauled by a bear is natural. Cocaine and Lindsay Lohan are natural. Being ripped to pieces by Piranhas in the amazon is also natural.

Phantom Says:

2010-12-25T19:55:00.000-08:00

Thank you Phantom! I love opera. Also, Stalking = Love.

Really Big Pants

2010-12-09T00:22:00.000-08:00

My dad had the day off and since he loves to shop, he came home with presents for everyone!

He gave my mom and sister Christmas pajamas, my brother got a sweater, the dogs got Christmas sweaters and then it was my turn...

At first I tried to hide my horror....

But they were HUGE. They were the biggest pants I have ever seen. They were at least 4 sizes larger than what I wear.

Once my dad realized what was happening he joined me in my panic.

That did not help. My brother is taller than me - and a body builder.

That was a close call. While I was in the shower sulking about my big pants my dad tapped on the door and told me was going back to the store to get me some new, smaller pants.

My Layer!

2010-12-08T21:46:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures of my layer. I like seeing what other people's houses look like so here are some pictures of my humble abode tucked away in the Valley.

Here is my magical rotating Christmas tree. My dog is afraid of it. It spun last year and she didn't seem to have a problem with it. The tree isn't spinning wildly or making any noises. I guess Cookie is smart not to trust a plant that moves independently.

This is little sister's room. I painted the flowers around the window! I asked her if she's growing out of the flowers and wanted me to paint over it and she said, "I would never paint over your flowers Nana."

My jewelry wall where I hang all of my Hide Your Feathers earrings! I always feel like I'm ahead of the game but once I package and ship everything the wall is naked and I feel unaccomplished all over again! My business is a never ending cycle of jewelry making and I love it!

Have I not told you? I live with a crazy person. My dad is the ultimate Beatles fan girl! Here is a little piece of Beatles Church were all loyal devotees gather to worship. I dared to put a Christmas decoration on the Beatles alter and it only took my dad 5 minutes from walking in tot he house to notice. He told me that Snoopy is not the 5th Beatle and moved it. I worry about my dad sometimes. In the name of George, Paul, Ringo, and John, Amen.


Here is our iron Chimney. I love this thing, it's so cozy looking and warms up the whole house. Our rabbit Erica loves to lay under it (it doesn't get hot on the outside.) Yes, that is a gumball machine. We 'collect vintage (hoarding crap) but it's always stocked with gum and its gets plenty of use! The train is from the Disney Lot down the street from my house. Every year the Disney Studios has a secret blow out sale and we got this beautiful train set. I like to put my parakeet on it.

Happy Holidays from Feathers and Cookie the Christmas Poodle

2010-12-08T17:02:00.000-08:00


Happy Christmas Poodle

Angry Christmas Poodle

Adam and Tommy Art Contest -- VOTE HERE!!!

2010-12-06T17:09:00.000-08:00

Hey guys! Thank you to everyone who entered my Adam and Tommy art contest and a big thank you to Bunny for all of her help! All of the pieces are great in their own way; there is so much talent out there! Thank you for all of the time you put it into each piece, I'm very happy with the turn out! If you do not see your piece up here it is because it did not follow the rules ( Adam AND Tommy, obviously manipulated ect..)

The Rules:

1. You MUST vote for 3 pieces. Take your time looking through all the art and pick your top 3!

** 2. To prevent people from voting numerous times YOU MUST BE LOGGED IN TO VOTE! All anonymous votes will be disregarded. If you wish to vote anonymously email your votes to HidingFeather@gmail.com

3. Anyone can vote! You do not have a to be a a contestant to vote.

4. Be nice. I'm watching you.

5. Voting ends on Friday December 10th

The pictures are numbered from the BOTTOM! Click on the image to enlarge it. Good luck to everyone!

Phantom Says:

2010-12-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

Well said Phantom!

Todays OkStupid and Plenty of Creeps Inbox!

2010-11-30T16:28:00.000-08:00

Serendipity and I have online dating accounts. There is no better end to a long day than to read creepy messages from strangers who want to date/murder you. Here are some recent emails from Serendipity's OkStupid (OkCupid) and Plenty of Creeps (Plenty of Fish) inbox. These are 100% real. Typos and creepiness left for your enjoyment!

Hello xyz,
"My name is Manfred. Your profile caught my attention and I feel we could enhance each other’s lives. Beside pleasant looks you seem to have personality. I like especially that your interests include writing, painting and hiking and that you value kindness, compassion and emotional strength, and that you are looking for a man who is REAL.

Are you yearning for a mature, gentle, accomplished and educated man with substance, perception, creativity and compassion? I am a linguist and writer from Europe and have an exciting life with lots of interests…all that’s missing is a young female ….feminine, natural, sensitive, vulnerable, and in touch with her feelings…is that you? Then I would like to give you all my love, treat you with respect and adore you with passion....

If this strikes a chord in you have a look at my profile. I hope you feel we could be a great match and I look forward to hearing from you!'

Oh Manfred! I am so young -- so vulnerable! You are just the old man I've been looking for. And how did you know my friends call me XYZ?!

"but, I am into clothes. I do not spend a whole lot of money on clothes, but I find that I own a whole lot of different jackets and the like that I have found on adventures. I am soft-spoken, and I find that often my attire can speak volumes."

I like a man with a variety of jackets.

"I know you already know your really good looking. I am

not here to try and sale my self to you. i just ant to
say hello, Feel free to talk to me when u can.i know if
u give me a try has a friend you will see i am a
great,respect,charming, man."

Uh oh! You sound a little angry. A little murdery too....

"I'm terrible with being social, so my friend recommended messaging someone on here. I told her I would just send one for now. I was looking through what it said my matches were, saw your eyes and said, ok, I will message her. lol I have been feeling lately that my passion for life is being stifled by the negativity around me. I'm hoping to find more positive energy in my life. Message me back if you wanna chat. It's very possible that all came across as creepy. As I said, I am no good at this."

I recommend refraining from using the words "creepy, stifled, negativity, and terrible" in your emails to strangers.

Well, I don't think any of these men are your prince charming Serendipity. The first guy sounds like he might be a gem. Do you want to be Mrs. Manfred? What about the guy with all of the jackets? Never a dull moment with a man with an exciting wardrobe!

Wino Cleanse Day 1

2010-11-29T22:40:00.000-08:00

I'm suppose to be going all raw. No meat (only broths) no booze, no coffee, no fast food.
Had cold pizza for breakfast. I am almost certain that left over pizza is not raw. Oops. Don't tell Serendipity! I had some raw stuff after that. I ate asparagus and salad. Tea instead of coffee.

I have a real gift for finding loopholes. Cool Whip, cheese, and Ice cream are all technically raw.

This is going to be torture.

x
Feathers

Bathroom pictures and why they are not sexy...

2010-11-29T17:36:00.000-08:00

I love cell phone bathroom pictures just as much as the next person! However, there are some things to consider when taking a cell picture of yourself...
One would be to not get a shot of the toliet in every picture you've ever taken. Nothing takes away from your beautiful face like an open toilet seat.
Perhaps try standing in front of it, or better yet find another room in the house with a mirror! If you are a real champion, you will muster up the confidence to take a picture without having intensely stare yourself down! I clearly do not take my own advice.

I'll stop here but you get the idea.

You Might Be Single, But Please Wear Pants

2010-11-29T16:12:00.000-08:00

Going through a "dry spell?" It's not the worst thing in the world to spend most of your time watching TV in a Snuggie with your dog. The tumbleweeds drifting through your love life will pass with time. Before I start, I feel the need to defend the Snuggie. Have you ever allowed yourself the pleasure? It's kind of like a hug but it's a blanket -- WITH SLEEVES. Sure, you can wear your bathrobe backwards but it's not the same. It's so simple! You're just sorry that you didn't think of it first. Also to remember, always wear pants with your Snuggie or your family will not want to spend time with you anymore.

Pants-wearing is another topic I'd like to touch on. Although I personally support your no-pants lifestyle, it is very important to wear them when leaving the house. Remember, CVS, Wal-Mart, and other all-purpose stores (although familiar) are not your living room. They have those 'No Shirts, No Shoes' signs for a reason. I realize they don't address NO PANTS but apparently it is supposed to be a given. Underwear is also important. Going "commando," however freeing, can come back to haunt you for the rest of your days.

For example, here is a real-life situation where you should probably wear underwear:

You never know when you might find yourself laying on the grass after a car accident surrounded by EMT's (who are also your coworkers), and hearing them argue about whether or not you peed yourself. You are 99% sure it's coffee. This could just be the most humiliating moment of your life -- but you are wrong. This is the most embarrassing moment of your life is only 10 seconds away when you realize that you are, in fact, not wearing any underwear. And you are in a dress.

Do not bother with a recovery story. The EMT's do not care that you were on your way to help your friend clean her house before a party. Intentions hold little importance in an emergency; it really doesn't matter that you were planning on putting some on later.

As it turns out, you cannot die of humiliation. Just keep reminding yourself that you probably won't be able to go back to work anyway so it doesn't matter that all of your coworkers just got a free (and very disturbing) peep show. This moment is a little lesson in underwear-wearing. You can tell your grand kids one day. Here's another scenario to consider:

Example #2:

You made it down the street to the hospital! Your dress is taped around your legs because the EMT's were trying desperately to preserve your dignity. In a fit of panic you call a friend! Sometimes it's just nicer to have a quiet person around. After all, your girl-friends would lose their minds if they saw you strapped to gurney! Girls are over-dramatic. Always! D:

However, there are some things to consider before choosing a hospital buddy. Remember that you are at a medical facility. Doctors will be asking you questions -- questions you have to answer, like "How much do you weigh?" and "When was the date of your last menstrual cycle?" and my favorite "Are you pregnant? Are you sure? Is there any possibility you might be pregnant? We have to know!" Suddenly you are regretting your decision to request company. You should have suffered alone! Too late... now answer the questions!

Now all of your coworkers know about your closet 'Comando' life style. Also, your hospital buddy knows how much you weigh and all about your menstrual cycle! Are you still alive? Good. At least he knows you're not pregnant. Whew!

x
Injured Feathers (with a few tiny edits by Serendipity)

Wino Cleanse

2010-11-29T01:03:00.000-08:00

Serendipity and I have decided to make some drastic diet changes. We have concluded that if we are going to live otherwise unhealthily (ie eating everything and never working out..ever) we better adapt at least some healthy habits. Besides, you only have one body right? Right. Time to stop living like hobos.

Because we are extreme personalities and cannot do anything half way - we are going on a raw food diet. I have done it before and with great results. I am grateful that I am no longer working across the street from my best friend and my enemy, Chipotle. That should make things easier.We are giving up wine, coffee, soda, and fast food. I will do my best to update on any progress/mental breakdowns. Hopefully this does not result in us pulled over on the side of the road eating tacos and crying into wine bottles at midnight.

We shall see.

x
Feathers and Serendipity

Tommy is gonna be on TV!!!!!

2010-11-29T00:50:00.000-08:00

Warning: If you are overly sensitive and overly defensive turn back now!!!! You will be offended. If you are planning on leaving the house, don't. Lots of other things might offend you/hurt your feelings/upset you.

Vicariously living through your friends is fun! You can imagine my delight when my friend Tommy Ratliff landed a gig with Adam Lambert! I spent about a week doing his make up everyday for the audition process. I felt like I was part of the excitement. Tommy was born to be a rock star! That giant hair-do needed to be appreciated and adored by the masses. Once he secured a spot in the band as keyboardist/bassist he told his friends about his debut at the American Music Awards! I was so proud. Burbank is a relatively small city--when somebody makes it, we celebrate! I made sure to be home in time to watch. I innocently told my parents and siblings and we made a night out of it. We popped popcorn and gathered in the den.

Dad is a beer drinking mechanic. His masculinity was sorely wounded. Mom thought it was quality entertainment! Cookie was not available for comment.


Little sister was asleep so she didn't think anything.


And then for some reason (which I still cannot explain) everyone looked at me for answers. Everyone wanted to know how and why! I explained to my family that despite my awesomeness, I did not choreograph the Adam Lambert AMA performance.

THE END

xo
Feathers ( Follow me on Twitter here)

If you like what you see help me keep the Blog alive by Retweeting and Reposting the link to your friends! (:

How a sandwich ended my 5-year relationship...

2010-11-27T14:17:00.000-08:00

Let me start by saying that Kev really was a great guy. We met when I was 14 (in band camp) and fell madly in love. However, by the time I hit 18 we were growing a bit tired of each other. We had grown into completely different people, but alas, we did not know how to end things! Breaking up seemed so permanent -- and stressful! So, instead of ending things the healthy way, we waited until we were toeing the line of murder. I learned a lot from this relationship: what it truly meant to love another person, compromise, and trust... but mostly I learned what it meant to be blinded by rage.

It was the start of another day and Kev picked me up for school around noon. We had enrolled in college together (mistake #403) and had coinciding schedules. We would take turns packing lunches for one another and it was Kev's day to feed us. He reached in the backseat of his Explorer and said, "Here, I got you Subway." I opened the wrapper to inspect my sandwich and, to my horror, it was smothered with mayonnaise! I hate mayonnaise. I hate it more than natural disasters and incurable diseases. It is slimy, tasteless, and has literally billions of calories per teaspoon (ok maybe not literally.) I had been very vocal about my distaste for mayonnaise throughout the span of our five year relationship. By this point, I was infuriated.

Here are some different ways I could have reacted:

I could have cried and sniffled in the sweetest way possible. Men usually panic when you start crying. He would feel like a neglectful fool and apologize! I would have gotten a new sandwich and he would have wallowed in guilt. I probably would have gotten special treatment for the rest of the day!

If I was somewhat mature I could have wiped the mayonnaise off with a napkin and shot dirty sideways glances at him. I wouldn't say anything but I would add it to my silent passive aggressive list of "Things I hate about Kev."

If I was in denial I could have smiled and laughed it off! After all, it is a simple mistake! Mayonnaise may be the bane of my existence, but so are a lot of things.

Well, needless to say, I responded how anyone would with a boyfriend of 5 years. I chose to see the sandwich as a personal attack. He was destroying me from the inside and this was the final straw! I shed my human form and yelled like I had never yelled before.

Once I regained consciousness there was no denying it anymore! I knew the relationship couldn't continue. He had just bought me a sandwich with mayonnaise on it and nothing was going to get better. I was a crazy demonic satan spawn and I was okay with that. But this wasn't healthy for either of us.

After ripping the sandwich to pieces and force feeding it to him (Okay I'm not that crazy. I made that up. I totally should have though!) I had him drive me home and we didn't speak for about a year. I felt bad and he was scarred for life. Okay, so I could have handled it better, but the break-up was coming anyway. If it hadn't been the mayonnaise, it would have been something else.

Moral of the Story: Pay attention to how your girlfriend likes her Subway. Also, when it's time to break up, it's going to happen no matter what you do. Fate will intervene. Try to end on a good note... or not.

Just so you know, me and Kev are still friends. :) But we never go to Subway.

Black Friday Sale!

2010-11-26T12:51:00.000-08:00

This weekend only save on your purchase from Hide Your Feathers Jewelry with free shipping and discounted international shipping!

Hide Your Feathers Jewelry has been the official gear for Adam Lambert's US and International Glam nation tour! Hand crafted jewelry is a wonderful and one of a kind Christmas gift! Click on the links above or click here to shop!

Adam Lambert in a Hide Your Feathers boa!

Camila Grey of UHUH HER and Adam Lambert in her HYF custom order!

Liz Hill of BannerHill and Alison Iraheta rocking her HYE!

Why rescuing is awesome!

2010-11-25T14:37:00.000-08:00

1. Rescuing a dog is money in your Karma bank! If you think there might be a chance you are not going to Heaven, adopt an orphan dog! Poof! All is forgiven.

2. It's already trained! No puppy pads soaked in urine all over the house and no shoe attacking. Maybe a little shoe attacking...

3. Pet store dogs are often raised in illegal puppy mills. Puppy mills harbor animal abuse and lots of other terrible things. We do not like puppy mills.

4. Your new friend just wants to love you! What's better than that? Nothing.

5. You can have anything you want! I have an adopted turtle, 2 dogs, a bird and a bunny. They all live in blissful harmony.

Meet Petunia! She is from the California Bull Dog Rescue. She was severely neglected and suffers from dry eyes and anxiety. Other than that she is in great shape and is ready for my undivided attention! She is my Grandma's so I guess that makes her my Aunt.

x
Feathers

Attention Turkeys!

2010-11-25T10:43:00.000-08:00

Dear Twitter people,

Thank you so much for everything you have done for me. The support for my jewelry business is more than I ever could have asked for. I never thought I would see the day that I would be able to work from home and save up enough money for college. I can afford a Bachelors degree now because of all of your encouragement and support. I am the first person in my family to finish a college degree and I couldn't have done it without you. I really feel like I can do anything now! I am so lucky and so grateful to know all of you. Thank you again for the beautiful flowers! If everyone was as kind and thoughtful as all of you the world would be a better place.

Feathers

Serendipity (aka Theresa),

This year has been a whirlwind of utter madness! I am grateful everyday for your friendship. With out you I would be completely lost! (where am I?) Drinking wine and watching Phantom of the Opera just never gets old. You are so much fun its ridiculous. You are my soul mate, my best friend, and my angel of music! Thank you for all of your selflessness and encouragement. I am your biggest fan and I can't wait to see what the world has in store for you. You are the strongest and most incredible human being I have ever known! I will always be on the sidelines cheering you on! Go other half, go!

Phantom

Little Sister,

Ten years ago today we brought you home from the hospital! You are even more amazing than I knew you would be. Thank you for keeping life fun and exciting! How many 20 somethings get to have a kid sister? I am one lucky big sister! You are beautiful, smart and so much fun -- I am so lucky to have you. Don't ever stop calling me Nana, it makes me feel special :)

No man will ever be good enough for you.

Love

Big Sister

Mom, Dad and Eddie,

Thank you for letting me live in your house and eat your food. Thank you for letting me sulk around the house for a month after my car accident -- I don't know how you guys stand me sometimes! Thank you for never questioning my "methods" and not only letting me be crazy, but encouraging it. I am so lucky to have parents at all, and to have good ones is even better. Mom -- you are amazing. Thank you for thinking for all of us, we would all starve and fall apart without you! Dad-- you're a little weird but I'm a bulldozer because of you! Thank you for working 60 hours a week of manual labor for us. Eddie -- you are the best brother ever. I'm sorry I fed you plastic food and dressed you up like a girl when you were little.You are hilarious and so sweet, watching you turn into a man has been surreal! Thanks family! You guys rock.

Love
Your eldest and favorite child

Cookie,

I totally forgive you for abandoning me in my time of need and not coming near me when I was rocking that neck brace. All is forgiven. I will still walk you and feed you and stuff. Thank you for looking like Snuggles the bear from the paper towel commercials. You are very cute and you are a fabulous sidekick. Congrats on all of your twitter followers, you are a rock star!

Love

dog mom

Cookie the real rock star and that other guy.

How to tweeze a man's eyebrows.

2010-11-23T23:30:00.000-08:00

Step One: Lock all of the doors -- he will try to escape. Convince him that it is the right decision and that you are not the evil tweezer lady (even though you are.) After all, glittery eyeshadow looks weird over hairy man brows!

Step Two: Catch him. Use any means possible. Bait him with peanut butter or whiskey.

Step Three: Offer a bribe or a reward. Show him that you have done everything to make him comfortable. Give him a sleeve to chew on and a towel to grab. If you don't, he will squeeze the crap out of you and no matter how skinny and girlish he looks, boys are strong and it hurts!

Step Three: Prep his skin. Remember, men are huge babies when it comes to pain so humor him by holding an ice cube on his eye brow before you start. It doesn't really do anything, but he'll think that you "care about his feelings" and that you aren't laughing hysterically on the inside.

Step Four: Once he is somewhat relaxed, put one hand behind his neck. Don't move too fast or you will startle him! Smile a lot, giggle, and crack some jokes. Once you have him in a lose headlock, you can start tweezing.

Step Five: Tweeze as fast as you can! Don't give him time to cry. If you have to, tighten your anaconda grip and don't let go! You're doing him a favor. Giving him time to dwell on the pain makes it worse. Expect a Oscar worthy Best Drama performance! He will act like you are killing him. Focus on your tweezing and don't get distracted by all of the hilarious faces hes making. If you can, try to greet his pain with sympathy, keep your laughter on the inside.

Step Six: When you are all done shove him in front of a mirror. Tell him how beautiful he looks! Don't give him anytime to collapse into himself and cry. He'll be so distracted by his beauty that he will forget all about it! Pat yourself on the back for a job well done!

Manscaping is dangerous. It is a sport and it is not for the faint of heart! Good luck to you!

x
Feathers
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DRUNK STORIES: Cinco de Mayo with Feathers and Serendipity!

2010-11-23T00:50:00.000-08:00

Serendipity and I started our day off as usual, skipping through flower fields and giggling! It was Cinco De Mayo and we didn't have any plans. We, of course, bought a bottle of Tequila... a big one... but we had nowhere to take it.

While partying alone in the backyard (as we often do), we heard party noises coming from the other side of the fence. We grabbed the bottle and ran around the block. Always bring booze when crashing a party.

We got to the party and found a fiesta of young gay men! Needless to say, we had a great time. We played drinking games, ate chips and salsa, and talked about shoes. At the end of the night Serendipity and I stumbled back home, but suddenly we realized that we still had our neighbor's lighter! We couldn't just keep the lighter, that's definitely breaking a commandment, so we decided to stumble back around the block and give it back. We got all the way to our neighbor's house only to find that the fence was locked! We were horrified, but we couldn't just give up!

This is where our drunk alter-egos took over. Keep in mind, everyone has a drunk alter ego. In my mind, I am a swift and elusive ninja, and Serendipity is a 7 foot Viking with more muscle than the Terminator!

After a few seconds of staring at the fence trying to figure out what to do, Serendipity slurred, "Stand on my back, I'll lift you over the fence!" It was all so simple! Serendipity would crouch down on the cement, I would stand on her back, and with her immense Viking strength she would lift me over a 9 ft wall! I would use her spine as a stepping stool and leap the rest of the way, landing gracefully on the other side like a cat.

I was wearing heeled cowboy boots, but I didn't think twice. I paid no attention to the height of the fence and the fact that Serendipity is a 5'5" woman. What did I think was going to happen once I reached the top? I was going to drop kick, somersault and land on my feet. YES! I am a drunk-acrobatic-flying-cowboy-ninja!

Our plan was flawed. Contrary to popular belief, Serendipity cannot stand up with a drunk girl on her back, and I do not posses the ability to fly. Our master drunk-plan ended something like this:

I put my shoe back on and then another genius plan came to me. I saw a gap in the fence between the hinges and the garage. Yes! I slipped in sideways (like a ninja) and unlocked the door and let her in. We gave her neighbor back his lighter and stumbled home. (In case you're wondering, yes, we could have just rang the doorbell.)

The next morning we woke up with the worst hangover ever recorded in history. We decided to get a greasy, convenient breakfast somewhere. Serendipity got into her car, leaned back, and screamed! She said her spine felt crushed. We brainstormed for a while, and finally bits and pieces of the night came back to us. Needless to say, we swore off tequila for the next few months and went back to drinking rum and wine.

The moral of the story is to always run your drunk ideas by at least one semi-sober person -- that way you wont try to climb on your friends back and fly over a 9 ft. fence.

x
Feathers x Serendipity

The time I almost burned a single mom's apartment to the ground.....

2010-11-22T19:01:00.000-08:00

Back in high school I did a lot of babysitting. It was easy money and children love me! I had a regular babysitting job with a single mom watching her two daughters. One of the little girls was 2 and the other was 7.

It was a Saturday night and I was going to watch the girls from 6pm to midnight. Because I'm such an awesome babysitter, I took the girls across the street too get doughnuts (mmm delicious.) While meandering around the market, I ran into Tommy. We stopped chatted for a little while. We hadn't seen each other in a few months.

The girls picked out their doughnuts and we walked home. I dug for the key in my pocket and opened the front door. I knew something was wrong when giant billows of black smoke came rolling out of the front door!

My stomach hit the floor. I didn't know why this was happening to me!

I threw the baby at the 7 year old and screamed "SIT ON THE GRASS AND DON'T MOVE!!!" (They didn't seem to mind.) I then threw myself into the apartment and possible death. I know, I know, I should have called 911. I waved my arms around frantically looking for flames and the source of the fire. I didn't know what I was doing or why I had run into a burning building. I covered my mouth with one hand and waved my other arm around until I manged to clear a pocket of air for myself.

I finally stumbled upon a tiny burnt hot dog on the stove. All the water had evaporated and it was smoking and burning in the pan. Given a few more minutes and we would have lost the whole apartment to a flaming wiener. I guess their mom had put it on the stove and forgotten to tell me (does this make it her fault? Just a little bit?)

I immediately started opening all of the windows and doors and clearing out the room. I went from door to door borrowing fans to set up around the house. I did laundry, steamed the furniture, vacuumed, scrubbed the walls, Frebreezed the curtains -- I did everything but repaint the apartment. I even scraped the grout in the kitchen. The house was immaculate, probably too clean. I shuffled up some blankets and scattered some toys on the floor. The house smelled like air freshener and camp fire. On top of the obsessive cleaning, I was doing everything and anything to entertain the girls and distract them from what was really happening.

I collapsed onto the couch in a fit of physical and mental exhaustion. When the mom came home, the first thing she said was, "My apartment smells like burnt wiener!" I said "Oh yeah, I burnt a hot dog, I'm sorry. But we had a lot of fun! We had doughnuts, watched cartoons and played dress up!" I left out the part about almost burning her home and all of her possesions to the ground.

Moral of the story? Don't ever, ever let a sixteen year old babysit, no matter how mature they seem! Given an actual emergency, they will do anything and everything to save your stuff -- except dialing 911.

Top 10 Reasons to Date a Vampire

2010-11-21T22:05:00.000-08:00

Dating a vampire can be scary, but seeing as it's getting more and more common, here's some reasons to love the undead.

10) He'll kill for you: Ever heard of "He'll die for you"? Well, it's like that, but bloodier. He'll kill a man just for looking at you funny. But it's okay! He's a vampire.

9) He'll drink your blood: This seems to be either a) an aphrodisiac or b) incredibly painful. Since he's your boyfriend, I'm thinking aphrodisiac. Granted, I broke up with my vampire boyfriend before we ever got to the bloodier "second base," but according to my friends, its like drinking three mojitos and a tequila shot. Remember, vampires are predators, so if you get a little scared, walk away, don't run.

8) He's probably rich: Okay, so this guy is how old? Maybe you don't want to know, but we'll get to that later. Let's just say you'll be living off the interest in his bank account. And he'll want you to, because you make him feel "alive." (Hah!)

7) He probably has a sexy accent: If he doesn't, he's a young vampire and you can shoot for older. Older vampire = sexier sex, just ask Eric Northman.

6) No risk of unwanted pregnancy: Can't have babies with a dead man. Okay gross. But true. And if you want babies with a vampire, I worry about you. :'(

5) He's immortal: Surprise! He's reached emotional maturity! Or maybe he hasn't, in which case, shoot for an older vampire. We all know it takes men at least 200 years to "grow up." Why else would you date a 1000 year old vampire? He completes you.

4) He won't bug you during the day: Turn your cell phone off and get to work! He won't text, and you don't have to worry about making the time to text back. Less drama = more time for crazy vampire sex. My ex-vampire-boyfriend would txt me twice a night: "good evening" and "see you later," and that's just the way I like it.

3) He's sexy and mysterious: He's a vampire, so you'll never really know what he's thinking. Is it true love, or is he just hungry? Time to find out. ;)

2) He loves you just the way you are: Despite the haters, your vampire boyfriend loves you because you've got a beating heart, and in the end, isn't that all that really matters?

1) Duh, he's a vampire! And what girl doesn't want to date a vampire? Be prepared to be irrevocably seduced to a quivering pool of need. This guy gots game. Not just game: fangs, and a few century's worth of brain to entertain you. He's the embodiment of everything masculine and wonderful, and the best part is that he doesn't really exist, so you can have him any way you want!

Vampires are amazing. They give us hope and make us believe in true love. So grab a book (or turn on HBO's True Blood) and get lost in the vampire craze. Be sure to have a set of plastic fangs at hand. You'll thank me later. ;)

Serendipity's most recommended vampire books: Charlaine Harris' Dead Until Dark (HBO's True Blood), Stephanie Meyer's Twilight, Christine Feehan's Dark Guardian, Anne Rice's Interview with a Vampire, Katie McCallister's A Girl's Guide to Vampires, Michele Bardsley's I'm the Vampire, That's Why, Kerrelyn Sparks' Love is at Stake series, L. J. Smith's The Vampire Diaries, J. R. Ward's Black Dagger Brotherhood, P. C. Casts's House of Night series, Melissa Dela Cruz' Blue Bloods, Richelle Mead's The Vampire Academy, and Laurell K. Hamilton's Anita Blake series. Got any more suggestions? Leave a comment below!

Enjoy!

x
Serendipity

Groupie 400

2010-11-21T14:58:00.000-08:00

Congrats! You passed Groupie 101! Now its time to play with the big guns! Groupie 400 is not for the faint of heart. Let's assume that you have infiltrated the lives of your favorite rock stars. Proceed with no discretion. (Leave your dignity at the door.) Here are some things to remember while adjusting to your new awesome life style...

1. Abandon all of your old uncool friends. Cut your family off. You can't trust all of your regular civilian friends anymore. Assume everyone is using you for all of your new awesome connections. Everyone you've ever loved is now conspiring against you. Craft yourself a impenetrable tin foil hat and get a untraceable cell phone.

2. Invest in a new wardrobe. Buy some black lace, leather, crotchless chaps and anything else that seems trashy and indignant. Refer back to Groupie 101 Rule # 5 and completely abandon the use of bras and underwear.

3. Change your sleep patterns. Stay up all night drinking red bull and vodka and sleep all day. Become a nocturnal alcoholic. Remember, real rock stars live off of frozen pizzas and Del Taco at midnight. Pretty soon (thanks to the deterioration of your physical and mental health) you will become a shell of your former self and being a shameless groupie will become a lot easier!

4. Become a Kleptomaniac. You have infiltrated your favorite rock stars home! Now what? Make away from their house with everything and anything of value. Take things like hair from the bathroom, nail clippings and silver wear. Do not get caught, if you do you'll look insane! If this happens, deny everything -- never tell on yourself.

5. Babies! Does this person have children? If they do, assume this child is a musical prodigy. Steal the baby and raise in a cave full of keyboards where its musical talents can be harvested and cultivated for your own use.

There ya have it! Now go out there and live somebody else's dream! I am so proud of you.

Date #3... You're Engaged!

2010-11-20T19:42:00.000-08:00

[Check out our excellent dating adivce! Wanna snag a man? Here's how to do it! Date 1 and Date 2!]

Ok, so you're not "really" engaged, but you and your soon-to-be-husband are on date #3 so its safe to assume so! You have made an unspoken agreement to see each other again because you both have nothing better to do. Your date is probably going to come back to your house because he is drunk. Here are some things to remember....

1. Wear a shit-ton of makeup. It is very important past this point that he never be able to identify you in a line-up.

2. Check your Internet. Make sure all of your tabs are closed. You do not want your date seeing their Twitter account or blog open on your browser. Also, never ever let your date see what YouTube is suggesting to you. Erase your Google search.

3. Make sure to break up awkward silences. Do a magic trick! Pull your grandmother's engagement ring out from behind his ear and scream "YES" in his face. Start crying.

4. Collect a blood sample. Genetics are important. After all, you don't want your babies to have any mental illnesses!!! How you go about this is up to you. Use your best judgment. If you have to, break a beer bottle. And don't worry, alcohol is sterile.

5. Give your date a Tarot reading. Interpret the cards to say, "If you wait too long you will die alone." Act surprised and say you must have read them wrong!

6. When its time to leave the bar, make sure you have screaming death metal on full volume playing in your car. (I suggest Lamb of God's 'Descending') Sing/scream along. This lets your date know you are a 'balls to the wall' kinda girl! Whatever that means.

7. When driving your date to your house make sure you take a bizarre path. You want your date to be confused about how he arrived at your house.You are probably drunk so stop by a fast food place. Be conscious of eating with your hands and remember to share the hot sauce.

8. You want your date to spend the night so make him a cocktail of Vodka, Viagra and NyQuil. Before he "falls asleep," take lots of pictures of the two of you and post them on Facebook. Tag him and make one your default! Change your status to "engaged."

9. Now get him to sign into Facebook (threaten him with a fork if you have to.) Wait for him to fall asleep. Update his status that he's in love. You know it's true. He'll thank you in the morning. Now that it's posted on Facebook, it's definitely official.

10. When you wake up in the morning, force yourself to vomit and say you feel pregnant. He is going to be so happy! He's always wanted to be a father. Now you two are destined to be together, and it's all because of the Vodka and Facebook. :')

Be sure to invite Serendipity and Feathers to your wedding! We are so happy for you two!

Man-boy gets a care package!

2010-11-20T13:14:00.000-08:00

He does not want to share his Pop Rocks..maybe his glow sticks.

Todays OkStupid Inbox!

2010-11-19T13:41:00.000-08:00

About a month ago I made an online dating account on OkCupid. I figured the worst that could happen was I would be subjected to a few awkward conversations. I met one person off of the site and was scared back into my cave. I erased my account, but a few weeks later I realized I was depriving myself of the comedy I find in my inbox. Yes, some men are very polite and well mannered, but its a 50/50 toss up! Here are some messages from today. Typos left for your amusement.

"hey this is the thierd timme tryingto send u a MSG u pretty chill I like what I read on ur page about you ,like the fact that your an artist , it's a turn on ha Ima Artis too I write graffiti all over the world."

(Oh joy! Defacing property art!)

"So a horse walks into a bar, and the bartender goes 'why the long
face? Ok, Ok, I have to come clean...I didn't think of that joke myself.
My 9 yr old nephew told me, and I had to use it."

"your totally worth a hello from me."

"so how do you reward yourself? what does your heart desire when you deserve it"
(WHHHAATT????)

"u sound like my kinda man. where have u been all my life? i luv dancing and elementary school reform and whores and margaritas. im totally into gay werewolves too. i can drink a tank of gasoline and not get drunk."
(Ok this one is from Theresa, we use our accounts to chat and wink at each other while we're at work.)

So there ya have it! A plethora of men waiting for me! Somewhere out there, my prince charming is hunched over a computer jacking off to OKCupid pictures! Love.
X
Feathers

My wildly over dramatic mental decay

2010-11-19T13:00:00.000-08:00

The days following the car accident were spent in a hazy drug coma. I woke up to pee and eat crackers. I vaguely remember Theresa being there...but I'm not sure. I have never felt more sorry for myself and thus began my melodramatic spiral into soft-collar-neck brace-hell!!!!

The deterioration of my mental health began when I was lucid enough to realize my own dog was a afraid of me.

I had no insurance and no one to pour my Gatorade -- the world had turned its back on me. My very own dog was disgusted with me and I was unlovable by all creatures.

To top off my overall discomfort I was paid a little visit by and an ex. My ex boyfriend from high school lives on my block. We dated for 5 years and although we stopped dating 3 years ago I still sneak into his house and steal his movies/music/booze.

He checks in every few months to try and take his stuff back but I am very good at ignoring him. He has become a sad shell of his former self and I avoid him at all costs. Unfortunately, a week after the accident he realized Pineapple Express was missing and he text me that he was coming over to get it back.
There was no escaping. I was subjected to about 15 minutes of him standing awkwardly beside my bed.

......to be continued

When all was right in the world.

2010-11-19T04:21:00.000-08:00

What He Really Means....

2010-11-18T21:16:00.000-08:00

[The following phrases are from real life! At one point in time, someone said these things to either me or Feathers. Proceed at your own risk....]

I work from home:
I sleep until noon every day. I watch porn all day and look up crazy shit on the internet! I only leave my home to re-stock on booze and buy toilet paper. If you have an issue with the absurd amount of porn I watch we are not going to get along.

It's not like I'm going to be your boyfriend tomorrow:
Commitment is terrifying! I have issues. Not sorry about it.

Want to get coffee?
I really want to get drunk but it's only 2 in the afternoon.

You seem really mature for your age: I'm really immature for my age. I definitely know better! I am trying to flatter you and make you feel like you are a part of the cool old people club! Is it working?

I'm a gay werewolf! Wooooof:
....

You remind me of my mom:
I want to have sex with my mother.

We should do something soon. I'll call you:
I'm too lazy to make real plans with you right now...or ever.

I'm the smartest person in my class/work/friends:
I have erectile dysfunction and/or I'm really short. I have a major complex and am seeking affirmation in you! Please stroke my ego-- it is dying!

You smell nice:
I want to smell all of you.

I value women for their brains:

I'm addicted to masturbation.

I'm trying to start my own business:
I'm not doing anything. I try to impress people with all of the big plans I'm making in between playing video games. Talking about all of the things I am going to do is distracting you from looking at the big pile of NOTHING that is my life.

and finally....

I did ecstasy naked in a sweat lodge with the cast of Full House: (Favorite)
I'm a normal, upstanding adult with lots of friends and productive hobbies!

Man-boy to the rescue!!

2010-11-18T20:58:00.000-08:00

October 2, 2010 -- Post-accident Awkwardness Maximius.

2010-11-18T20:08:00.001-08:00

CatcherofDreamz presents: WINO BLURG

2010-11-18T12:16:00.000-08:00

Let me tell you a story... actually, it's more like a list. Let me tell you a list. Pull up a chair (because floors are for dogs and man-boys.) This is why being a wino makes the most sense!

1. Being a wino is great because you can drink wine and tell yourself stories that only you understand! What creative freedom this gives you! It allows your mind to open up like an oyster or a clam or some other kind of delicious shellfish and explore the colors of the world (mmm wine and shellfish). You can gargle salt water... then spit it at a canvas! You are an artist! Winos are artists!

2) What is spelling? No one cares, cause you're a wino! Just type words that look like they are right, people will understand you. And if they don't understand you they are bad friends. If you always type correctly NO ONE TRUSTS YOU. It's suspicious. You might be a computer.

3) You know whats horrible? Stress! Got worries? They won't be worries if you are a wino! Winos only have one worry and that's running out of wine or possibility battling in a tron-like virtual reality world against other winos.

4) Getting sidetracked. Wow! Hours can go by. Don't worry, you're still drunk!

5) The mirror. Who cares what you look like?! It's all so blurry. Save money on makeup and even clothes! Who knows the difference? It's the best wrinkle cream in the world: blurry eyes. It's like plastic surgery for .02% of the cost.

6) Surprise! You can Sing! Bet you thought you couldn't! Be a wino, and you'll always be in tune, at least to yourself. And who are you with most of the time? That's right -- yourself. Congrats! You are a rockstar!

7) FOOD HAS NO CALORIES WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK ON THE WINES!! Eat everything -- twice. You won't have to deal with it until morning and morning is so far away, does it even MATTER? HAH.

8) You will get tons of dates! You will be the life of the party. Even if the party is you and your cat. Your cat will be so impressed with your unfiltered wit! But don't worry, real people will like you too. You are so free and open, they've never met anyone like you before! Ok..... maybe they will be a little sad when you fall asleep but don't knock yourself... you needed that nap.

9) You know what's great! You can tell stories and never have a point! People don't look for points, they just look for style and execution. And boy did you have style! You have just told every secret ever entrusted to you. That's just impressive to have happened within a span of 5 mins. I'm proud of you.

10) Everyone in life is gonna like you more, when you are a wino! Just ask another wino! They will tell you (or tell you something loosely related.) They may ask you for a ride to a fast food restaurant! Take them. You may learn things on that trip that will stay with you a lifetime. Like: "im so drunk" and "i would eat that tree if it were a sandwich" and "who needs underpants when you have pants" and other super valuable tidbits of wisdom.

So there you go. Now you see what it's a great thing to be a wino. You aren't a really person without a box with a tap in your fridge.I love you all. Let me drool on your shirt, we will sell it as merch.

love, kara and dancing llama
(and thank you to Feathers and Serendipity for making this readable by humans!)

SERENDIPITY SAYS: Yes, You Should Keep a "Betty Crocker" House!

2010-11-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

[Here is our first installment of Serendipity Says: An Advice Column! I calls em like I sees em. Got a problem and want to be featured in our blog? You know where to find me.]

Dear Serendipity,

I have been living with my boyfriend for a year. At first it was really fun and he even let me quit my job! He said that he made enough money and that I shouldnt have to work. But now things are different. I feel like his roommate now. We never have sex and he gets mad when he comes home from work and his "laundry isn't done." Is he being a sexist, I mean should I be expected to keep a Betty Crocker house?

-Forgotten

Dear Forgotten...

What? You quit your job and moved in with your boyfriend?

Quitting a job and "moving in" is something you do with a husband. If you're moving in with a boyfriend, never quit your job, it's your only escape route. And how old is this guy? Old enough to know better, I suspect, if he has enough money to own a house. You, my friend, have become a Kept Woman. Not only have you become a Kept Woman, you willing agreed to it!

So you feel like his roommate, huh? Guess what -- it's because you are. Yes, you should keep a Betty Crocker house! Because you're not working and just lying around all day living off of his money! If I was a hardworking man and my girlfriend lived with me (who I would have proposed to by now -- has he?), then I'd expect to come home to a spotless house every day. Otherwise, what the hell are you doing? Relationships rely on reciprocity -- an equal give and take. If you're living together, whoever brings in the most money will have more authority in the home. Women become housekeepers if they don't bring in money. There is no such thing as a "free ride," and believe me, if the roles were switched you'd want him doing your laundry too! It's not sexist, it's only fair.

If you want your relationship back, I suggest getting a job and getting your own place, or at least "renting" a room from him. However, the best resolution no matter what you do would be a big fat BREAK UP. Sounds to me like you're treading water and miserable. Have fun playing wife with no commitment, or get some balls and reclaim your independence. There will always be Another Man.

Much, much love (and cookies),

-Serendipity

Sexual "Freedom"

2010-11-17T14:31:00.000-08:00

Abstinence until marriage is outdated. Is it even right to enter into a marriage where both parties haven't explored their sexual identities? Never buy a car without taking it for a test drive. Sexual intimacy is a huge part of a relationship and you need someone you're compatible with.

HOWEVER...sexual freedom should not be misinterpreted as a pass to sleep with anything and everything! Just because men sleep around does not mean that it is right. Women having sexual freedom should NOT mean imitating male behavior. It's OK to have some notches in your bed post, but try not to have so many that it looks like your bed was attacked by termites.

My biggest and only real issue with sexual promiscuity is based on health issues. I worked in a hospital for about a year and I got the best uncensored sex education of my life! I watched young girls (13yrs old +) undergo C-sections due to congenital diseases. It was an eye opener and legs closer.

1 in 5 people have congenital herpes. Now look around your classroom or office and count with me...

1, 2, 3, 4, HERPES..1, 2, 3, 4, HERPES
Yup, those are the statistics you're looking at.

About 80% of young women will contract HPV before the age of 25. HPV is not detectable in men. The only way to know for sure if he breaks out in warts or sores and only about 5% show any visual symptoms. So wrap it up! If a guy tells you he is "clean" SOUND THE BULLSHIT ALARM, he has no idea whether he's "clean" or not. Men hate going to the doctor.

Attention Young Girls!!!!
You know those nasty hamburger-meat genital pictures they show you in a school assembly to scare you? Well, what they are not telling you is that those pictures are EXTREME documented cases. The people in the pictures are probably riddled with other diseases. This is a stupid scare tactic.

Sexually transmitted diseases are undetectable with the human eye, so be careful. A penis with a disease looks like a penis without a disease, so Condom! Condom! Condom!

What's your favorite color? They make condoms in those colors. Buy some.

*If you are scared to buy condoms, email me and I will mail you some.

A Note From Serendipity: Believe it or not ladies, men respect you more when you don't sleep around. This isn't sexist. Don't you respect men more when they don't sleep around? If you want guys to take you seriously, don't sleep with everyone on the block! Even if your milk shake does in fact bring all the boys to the yard. Do not be the town bicycle.. AKA Do not act a slut.

x
Feathers x Serendipity

A Literary Analysis of Word Vomit

2010-11-17T10:01:00.000-08:00

Serendipity is a college student working towards a BA in Creative Writing at a local state university. In "Men Are Dumb, Here is Written Proof" Serendipity provides us with some writing samples from 20 something year old men in her creative writing class (for seniors) Nothing reveals an individuals thought process like their own personal writing. The short story "Our Promise" stood out the most. Granted this poor man has probably had little to no female interaction, it is still terrifying.

In "Our Promise" the writer takes us on a frightening adventure to Vegas and back where a confused young man cheats on his fiance...with his friends mom. The basis of the couples relationship revolves around their mutual adoration for Florence and the Machine. Their beautiful love story begins with the woman proclaiming "I like smart boys" and complimenting her soon to be husband on the hanky in his blazer pocket. He is flattered that she noticed the handkerchief his mother had sent him in a gift basket (WTF) The story is adorned with "Golly" and "Id be delighted to oblige" to paint a modern picture of male and female interactions. The female seems to have the emotional capacity of dryer lint and the male character keeps referencing back to his mother. Post bachelor party he finds himself in bed with his friends Mom. He panics and checks his cell to find that his distrustful fiance blew up his phone. He arrived to the wedding the following day riddled with guilt. He tries desperately to confess but his fiance does not want to hear it. He then tries to tell her parents, but alas, no one will give him the time of day to rat himself out. He is pardoned for his behavior and they marry.

THE END

A Brief Psychological Analysis

Why is he cheating with his friends mom? The Main character suffering from guilt. Marriage is the ultimate act of betrayal from a son to his mother. He is allowing a strange woman to do his laundry, cook for him and bear his children. All of those years of loyal devotion from his mother, just to stab her in the back and hand over his care to a stranger. He needs to reconcile his guilt...though sex. And we all know that most men pass up sleeping with a stripper in Vegas and fall into the arms of their friends Mommies (who are in Vegas for a Bachelor party for some reason, probably to Chaperon)
Why is the fiance portrayed as a semi functioning child? "I like smart boys!" Clearly the writer sees all women and husband-hungry children. When they first meet, she is on the floor because she fell over. All woman, to one degree or another, are on the floor waiting for man to help them up. She also blows up his phone will in Vegas, like all crazy girlfriends do. When he attempts to confess she does not want to face the truth of her mans infidelity. I'm still not sure what to make of that part.

Lastly, no great story is complete without a sequel from a stranger. Here is "Our Promise: The Morning After" as written by Feathers your faithful manhate Blurger.

I stood outside watching the sun rise from our motel balcony. Our wedding night was perfect. A single tear rolled down my cheek, I caught it with my hanky. It was just like how I had imagined, Florence and the Machines filled the room while my bride rode me like my friends mom had the night before. Thank God she still didn't want to talk about it.

I thought I would surprise her with a gift basket from the hotel lobby so I crept out while my sweetheart slept like a child. I walked down into the lobby and started stuffing my pockets with complimentary oat meal packets and pre packaged danishes. I emptied out the nearest fruit bowl and tried to arrange the oatmeal and pastries like my Mom did with the last goodie basket she sent me. I snapped a picture of it, I promised my Mom I would take alot of pictures.

I snuck back into our hotel room to find my new wife tangled in bed sheets on the hotel floor. She was always falling. I was about to help her out but I became a distracted by a piece of lint on the carpet. She snapped at me " Aren't you going to help me up?" I grabbed her elbow and dragged her upright when a sound that could only be described at "trickling" started. I looked around confused at first but it was just my bride peeing herself again. She was so cute, I hoped she'd never change.
I showed her the present I made for her downstairs.

"Golly, that is just peachy! Quaker Oats is the Bees Knees!" sang my beautiful princess. I knew I did a good job.

She heated up some water in the microwave and even poured an extra sugar packet in my oatmeal, just like how Mom use to make it. We sat down at the foot of our bed and she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Well, Dig in!" I said... but she didn't move. "You can start eating now!" I spat.

I then realized that she was just having trouble holding her own head up. Silly girl. I wiped the drool from her mouth, and off my shoulder and held her head up by her little chin.

"Here comes the Choo-choo

Your OkCupid Date is Waiting For You!

2010-11-16T17:58:00.000-08:00

If you are going to date online, you have to change the way you date. This is not a classmate, or a man your coworker set you up with -- this person is a complete stranger. Meeting up with a man from an online dating site can feel like the equivalent to inviting a bum into your house, but don't worry! Here are some things to consider before your date with a psychopathic murderer...

1. Lurking - If its possible to get a glance of your date before you meet up with him, do that. Always pick the location. Find a nice lurking spot like a tall parking garage or a large planter with a bush. Tell your date exactly where to meet you so you can get a good look at him, just like a crazy stalker. Does he look like he's wearing fresh clothes? Is he your type? Do people naturally avoid walking too close to him? Try to keep your face covered so he doesn't see you. Wear a cape if you have to. Or a mask.

2. Feel Free to be Fake - This person has probably only seen pictures of you, and maybe talked on the phone once or twice. If you're shy, guess what? You don't have to be! If 5 minutes into the date you realize you are not digging him, feel free to have fun with it. Make up a story. Lie about your job. Speak in a British accent. We only live once, right?

3. Bring a Recorder - I am a huge supporter of recording blind dates. People say hilarious, ridiculous things when nervous in front of a stranger. You never know when you might hit gold, so stick your recorder in a convenient place, hit the "On" button, and observe. You'll have plenty of good stories to tell your friends.

4. The "Quick Escape" - Remember, you don't know this guy. You're have no obligation to hang around if you're trapped on a bad date. And guess what? You don't even have to excuse yourself. If he's not what you thought he was, just leave. Here's a few of my favorite "quick exit" strategies:

Say "I have to go to the bathroom." Take your purse with you. Never come back.
Conveniently lose him in a store. It helps if you're within walking distance to your house. ;)
"Fake call" a friend. Look down at your phone and exclaim, "Uh-oh, I gotta take this!" Then have a fake conversation talking to no one. Make sure your phone is on "silent" so it doesn't start ringing in the middle of your fake emergency phone call. Oopps! Busted.
Tell him you left your jacket in your car and you're freezing. Again, never come back.

Remember, all of the above methods are tried and true. It helps if your date doesn't know where you live, which reminds me -- don't EVER have a stranger pick you up from you house if you live alone! NEVER NEVER NEVER.

5. The "Long Escape" - Okay, you're definitely not going on a second date with this guy, but he's cute and "fun enough." Let him buy you drinks. Get drunk. See a movie with him. Make out a little if you want. At this point, I highly suggest my favorite method of abandoning a date: excuse yourself to use the bathroom and leave (as outlined in "The Short Escape.") Randomly leaving dates is one of my favorites things to do. It's pretty addictive.

A side note: I am not a supporter of "One Night Stands." You don't know who this guy or where he's been, and where are you going to have sex -- his car?Never, ever get into a strangers car. If you do, prepare for this man to cross the border with you so have your passport. Nothing kills an impromptu kidnapping like forgetting your passport. Of course this guy wants to get into your pants, but that is gonna cost a bit more than one nights worth of drinks. Have your fun, get a good buzz going, then go home and enjoy a sexy episode of True Blood and cuddle up with your "real" boyfriend, Mr.Jack Rabbit.

6. Uh-oh! You abandoned him at a restaurant and now he won't stop calling you! Guess what? You don't have to pick up.

And there you have it -- 6 Quick Tips to online dating

x
Serendipity and Feathers

Steaming Pile of Man-Project

2010-11-16T13:24:00.000-08:00

Would you say your new man is a "diamond in the rough?" Are you going to be the 1,000,000 tons of pressure it takes to turn this piece of "coal" into a beautiful, sparkly diamond? Here are a few reasons of why you are wasting your time.

1. You will never get the recognition you think you deserve for "saving" this person. People with insurmountable baggage are like pits of quicksand. You can stand by at the safe distance and poke them with a stick but most likely you are going to end up drowning in their bullshit. There is no award ceremony for "Most Improved Boyfriend" or "Bossiest girlfriend."

2."But...but....I see all the potential in him that not even he sees!"
..."I know who he really is."
..."He just needs someone to believe in him!"
..."He just needs some TLC!"..
This person is not a house plant, a chia pet, or a feral cat.

3."What about Johnny Cash and June Carter! She saved him ya know."
I know, I know. Dealing with immature crap has been romanticized. Suddenly saving the "broken and tortured artist" from his own head has become an act of nobility. It's an illusion and we are not all June Carter and all men are not Johnny Cash.

4."Hes already changing, he got a job..that says something" Joy! Your man (who should have already had a job) now has one because you asked him to. Did he enroll in school "for you?" Where is he attending? Never date a man caught in the black hole that is community college. They might be going places, but lets allow them to get there first before we stamp them "date-able."

5. Do not be the shark to the Pilot Fish. A pilot fish is tiny fish that attaches itself along side a shark to feed on its leftovers all while protecting itself from the shark. Do not let this man feed on your left overs! You are not his mommy! If you want to take care of something, get a cat.

6."Well I'm not Shallow and I don't care about things like money."
Well you should. Do not get caught in a whirl wind of crap with a man who is avoiding responsibility. Living an adult life requires money.We all have to work, no body likes it, but you do it anyway. If you have to be the paint scrapper that gets this man self esteem off the sidewalk, RUN!

7."He had a hard life, he doesn't know any better." Not an excuse, everyone has a story and there are a lot of functioning people with less-than-perfect childhoods. Also, this is not your problem. Do not get pulled into a pity party. People struggle, life can be hard and terrible but you are under no obligation to restore this person.

Ladies, go out there and find a man who is no need of fixing! Do not be the poor fool that tidies up this piece-of-work for the next victim. It is very easy to allow yourself to be inspired by the drive to heal someone. Think about yourself, think about what you deserve, and think about your precious sanity!

x
Feathers

Men are Dumb and Here's Written Proof

2010-11-15T11:44:00.000-08:00

If you are easily offended DO NOT read this!

I know, I know, we write a blog primarily focused on man-hating. But we're not making this stuff up! Here are some segments of short stories from my Creative Writing class that I hope will enrage you as much as they enraged me. Please keep in mind that these story segments are written by men who are Creative Writing majors and seniors in college!

The following story segments are written by 22-23 year old men in my Creative Writing class. No joke!

Retard Story #1: "Fallen Angel"

"I continued my way upstairs and found Janie sitting on the steps crying. Of course I thought the worse case scenario because I just saw her ex-boyfriend leaving her apartment. Maybe he beat her again. When I went to check things out, I found that he had just gone up to apologize and hoped to reconcile things with her. But she confessed that she was now going out with me. I asked her if she still loved him and she said no. She said she was just crying because seeing him made her think of the abortion and it made her sad. I didn't know what she was feeling. But it was enough to cause her to have whimpering nights and bad thoughts. She started cutting herself. She said she thought that maybe if she felt the pain, it would make her stop thinking about the baby. Of course I didn't know what to say or do when she talked about it. So I just kept quiet and listened but told her it would be okay.

I felt uncomfortable talking to her about the abortion mostly because she would bring up her ex-boyfriend [so what, I guess her abortion is really about you, Mr. Narrator???] but also because I didn't know what to tell her to make things feel better. I couldn't say "I understand" or "The nightmares will go away," because I didn't know anyone who had gone thru the same things she had gone thru."

** At the end of this story, Janie commits suicide after getting pregnant again and her boyfriend telling her that she will look fat in her graduation uniform.

Retard Story #2: "Our Promise"

[Typical "guy meets girl, guy proposes, guy cheats on girl at bachelor party in Vegas, guy and girl still get married" story. All typos are from the original text, preserved for your amusement.]

Today is like no other day. I think I'll get some coffee down the street. As I turned the corner I bumped into an angel. As she stumbled about attempting to pick herself up all I can think about was her beauty. She had soft blond hair that moved gracefully with the wind. Her skin glowed as bright as diamonds. The dressed she wore only enhanced her elegance. No drape can cover up her grace [wtf???]. However my admiration was temporarily interrupted when I heard her voice calling out.

"Hello! Are you not going to help me up?" she said.

"Why yes. Golly, I'm so sorry!" I said.

"It's peachy, no harm done. Why that is a fine handkerchief you got there in the pocket of your blazer," she said as she made her way up.

"Oh yes. It's a beauty. My mother sent it to me on this gift basket I received." I said.

"Your mother has great taste." Just when she finished reading that sentence my knees buckled. No other girl has ever talked to me for this long let alone stay once I brought up my mother. They usually start to run before I even finish the first syllable or the second. I better make my move. I'll be smooth. I thought to myself before I asked her out.

"Well, seeing as my mother raised me right, it will be only right to buy you a cup of coffee," I asked.

"Sure. I'll be delighted to oblige," she said. "So, do you bump into girls often?" she asked, breaking the awkward silence.

"No, I was having a great day, I was just thinking about how great today was setting out to be, and that was when I bumped into you. So my day still hasn't changed." I said.

"Oh, you are not stressing on your finals? You must be smart. That is great because I like smart boys," she said.

"Well here we are at the coffee shop. Let's go in, after you," I said.

"What a gentleman," she said.

[Here are a few other little gems from this story...]

"Sylvia, what a lovely name. OK then, Sylvia here is a nice cup of chai tea for you," I said.

"We made our way to a nice quiet table and talked for hours. We talked about everything from politics to movies, but the bulk of the conversation was on the music we listened to. It turned out that she was a singer studying voice at our school. We both love the same music and even love the same band, Florence and the Machine. She loves the singer, I just love everything about the band. Before we knew it night fall had set in and I decided it was time to walk her home."

[As we all know, if someone shares your tastes in music, it means you connect on a deep emotional level and you're probably soul mates.]

** This story ends with the main character cheating on his girlfriend with his friend's mom, before their wedding. Then Sylvia forgiving him because "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas."

Moral of the Story
You can't get much deeper into a guy's mind than his own personal writing. As it turns out, the men who wrote these stories appear to have the emotional depth of a nail clipping, and they aren't faking it! Never forget that twenty-something men are stupid, and even better, they see you as an emotionally weak child! Also, don't ever get knocked up and rely on a man to see you through the abortion. You'll probably end up committing suicide.
x
Serendipity

2010-11-14T23:44:00.000-08:00

Before I dive into a painting or any project for that matter I like to take some time to draw inspiration from different sources. Flipping through magazine pictures, reading news articles, listening to music, or hiding in the bushes of your neighbors house to get a picture of a leaf are all good places to start. Drawing inspiration from different things allows for broader artistic perspective to develop. I am in the midst of illustrating a poetry book with my friend and before I start I took some time to lurk around my neighbors property and snap some pictures. I love taking my own reference photos even though I am not so skilled with the camera. All Euphoric experiences I have had have been in bare nature so I always find it a good place to start. Here is today in pictures!

Things My Grandmother Taught Me

2010-11-12T15:02:00.000-08:00

Grandma likes to party. She takes the old folks bus to Vegas at least once a month and steals my Casino credit before she leaves. Some spirits cannot be tamed. The majority of my bad advice came from Grandma, she encouraged my rebellious spirit and credits herself for my entrepreneurial life style! Here are some of grandmas gems of wisdom...

13 yr old Me: Grandma I want to get my belly button peirced!

Grandma: Those are hot! You should do it. Ill take you tomorrow after school.

Me: Ok! Dont tell dad!

Grandma: Ha! Don't worry. I won't.

I proceeded to get my bellybutton pierced. I went to school and showed all of my friends my new body piercing. I was a good girl, I had good grades and nice friends but I wanted something cool and I was feeling daring! Unfortunatley for me I am also a bit of a hypocondriac. I was certain my belly ring was infected, I cracked and showed my mom. I told her that I had a friend do it with an ear piercing gun. When I told Grandma what I had done she said "YOU DID WHAT?" and that takes us to our first bit of Golden Advice

Morals and Virtue

Never tell on yourself. Deny everything. Stick to your story, if you don't, youve lost all of your credibility.Telling on yourself does not make any sense. Also, never rat out your partners in crime! Dont sell your sources or pretty soon you won't have any.

Health and Wellness

Me: Grandma I feel sick

Gma: TAKE A PILL.

Me: But I already took one..

Gma: TAKE TWO

On Love and Dating

"My 3rd husband was so boring! I didnt marry a 25 year old at 40 to have his ass fall asleep on our honey moon! I did what anyone would have done, took his wallet and partied in the casino with the bartenders. Its Vegas!"

Grandma telling a story at Thanksgiving dinner

"Dump him. If his mom still wipes his ass, he'll expect you to do it to. You'll be doing enough ass wiping when you have your first baby. Never date a man that acts like hes still on the boob."

Grandmas best advice to me

On Religion

"Save your money. Take a vacation instead. Catholic school isn't going to fix what's wrong with them"

Grandma to my parents regarding sending us to Catholic school

On Rasing Children

"You're coddling her, take those stupid floaties off. When I wanted your dad to learn how to swim, I threw him in the pool. He's still alive."

To me while trying to teach my little sister how to swim

On Technology

"Get this thing outta my apartment. I bought it to meet men but it's stressing me out"

Grandma with her first Computer

There you have it. Advice from a woman who has lived! Love you Grandma ;)

I Am Scared to Date: A Reflection

2010-11-12T12:02:00.000-08:00

I can only speak from my own terrifying experiences. My encounter with men over the few years I've been actively dating has left me in a whirl wind of confusion and red wine stains. However, you can be spared! Do you ever find yourself muttering "what the hell am I doing?" If the answer is yes, you must be dating! And here are a few things to consider...

Stability is over rated.
I was walking down the street on a cool summer night on my way to go visit my Man-Boy friend. As I got closer to his layer I could hear his metronome ticking wildly in the night! I stepped into his house to find his electric drum set, metronome and keyboard still turned on, while he was taking a Whiskey nap face down on the hard wood floor. I nudged him with my foot, but he was fast asleep. I chatted up his roommate for awhile (he was so nice) and then I took the Whiskey and went to my friends house. Stability in a man is over rated. Every try to knock down a brick wall? Its hard work.

Driving
How does your man drive? Does he drive a big car but lack the balls to park it? Does he turn into Satan's Spawn when somebody cuts him off? I find uncontrolabble road rage disturning. You should too.

Drinking
What kind of drinker is he? Is he a friendly drunk? A sloppy drunk? Does he tweet things like "Im just a nicer and more personable person when I'm drunk. So there is a plus" while he is hanging out with you? This probably means "My thoughts are a constant stream of negative comments. When I'm drunk they are broken up with strides of drunk-bantering, thus making myself, and your company, more tolerable" Its not the worst thing. Just know you have to keep this person on an IV drip of Lemon Drop Martinis.

Mommy
Peoples lives can revolve around a uneding relationship with their parents. Whats left of a mans identity often resides in his mother. If you dating or engaged to a mamas boy, be prepared to marry this woman. So you better like her, alot.

Also to consider: Men, you do not need to carry on about how much you love your Mother. Do not share cell phone pics, its weird. We are watching your every word and move like a Hawk, so if you want to come of as a sweet and loving guy, act like it first, then talk about it.

Body language
You do not need to be a master interpreter of body language to read physical acts of "I want to kill myself". Does your date look uncomfortable? Which direction are his feet pointing? When people have their feet turned away from you, they are uninterested in your conversation. Is he running his fingers through his hair every 10 seconds? Fussing with his bangs? (bangs are another Indicator of Man-Boyiness) Does your date look like he is physically and emotionally trying to escape his own flesh? You probably have a shy person on your hands. It's OK, just add alcohol and they should emerge from their shell. Or, you may have a very socially inept person your hands, in which case, still add alcohol. Skip the beer, jump straight into the hard shit.

Dating is scary. People are unpredictable like raccoons. But unlike raccoons, you cannot trap them in a cage and call animal services. They are free to roam and date who ever they please. Never give someone more credit than they deserve and if you ever find your boyfriend passed out face down on the hardwood floor, do absolutely everything to try and stay with this person.

2010-11-10T14:54:00.000-08:00

Uh oh! You've been single for too long and now you are bizarre! What happened?!?

Well, developing a personality and hobbies can be dangerous. You might find that the "real you" is a fucking weirdo. The side-show of a life you have created for yourself probably scares people. You have also reached the point where the very idea of adjusting your egocentric schedule to accommodate another person is laughable! Here is how to recover and readjust to life around other humans.

1. Make friends: Doing Ecstasy in as sweat lodge, naked, with Uncle Joey from Full House is not making friends. It is actually making you weirder and furthering you from normal social contact. This is not a story to tell on dates.

2. Get Out More: Instead of lurking in your personal recording studio (ie. a keyboard in your bedroom with the blinds closed), try going outside to get some fresh air. Talk to your neighbors. Go to a coffee shop and bring your laptop. Eventually your skin will get a bit of color and you'll stop looking like a wild-eyed zombie.

3. Listen to People: Listen to other people. And by listening I do not mean listening patiently for your friend/partner to take a breath so you can interject with the fabulous story you've been thinking about while they were talking. Learn to turn your selfish, noisy brain off and try to care about other people's silly lives.

4. Hide Everything: Hide all evidence of your single lifestyle.Try to break out of your weird routine when people come over. Never let anyone see the bassinet with the Fish Mobile over it that you made for your cat. Take the onsie off of your cat. You can dress him up and play baby with him when your guests leave.

Also to consider: I personally respect your quest to seek out the dark forces, but remove the Ouija Board nailed above your bed.

5. Buy Some Furniture. So now you got a friend! (oops, let's not get ahead of ourselves), but the true test is coming. What will he/she do when he/she comes over to your place? My suggestion: buy some chairs, and maybe a small table. Put them in front of a TV (no, your laptop screen is not a TV.) Now, get some chips and beer. There you have it, instant hang-out! Try to pick up the dirty clothes in your living room and clean around the toilet bowl. Remember, your friends don't really care about your life unless it involves them, so keep "sharing" to a minimum. Don't trap your new friend in a corner and make them listen to your favorite CD's, read your sad poetry, look through your sketchbook, stare at your dead butterfly collection and then expect them to tell you how great you are. Try asking about their life -- and then revert to Step 3.

6. Be realistic : Completely rid of yourself of the hopes of marriage. Once you can find peace in the idea of being alone forever (which you probably will be) you will find that legs and doors of opportunity will open themselves to you!

7. Cell Phone Manners : Text people back. Opening your phone, reading a text and saying "Ha!..No." out loud is not responding. Instead, text back "thank you for the invite but I have a dinner date with my cat, let's get coffee soon :-)" Use a lot of emoticons. Smiley faces and "xoxo" help create the illusion of a personality!

Adjusting to human life isn't so bad! You may never be as popular as you were in high school, but at least now you don't have to worry about choking to death in your studio apartment and your friends/family not realizing you're dead until two weeks later. Remember, people are only your friends for what you can do for them so practice your people-serving and ego stroking skills, you yourself do not need to be interesting or normal! :-)

xox

Serendipity and Feathers

Baggage Math

2010-11-10T13:18:00.000-08:00

Women are maternal and crafty, we like to fix/build things. I personally enjoy a good project. When I'm not painting series, creating lines of Jewelry, Illustrating books or looking up crazy shit on the Internet I enjoy a good man project. However some men insist on being dramatic and unfixable. Not only are they insistent on holding on to their precious emotional baggage but they want you to carry some too! When you meet a man in pieces, here is a test to make sure you are not caught in a Tornado of Bullshit.

How to do Baggage Math
A man has to be proportionate to the baggage he is carrying. Meaning, he has to be worth the extra weight-pull on your part, because you will have to carry something. Never fear, your new man's Human Value is calculable.

The Quick Test
Paycheck x Dick Size + Number of minutes in bed = ________

The Long Test
Using a Scale from 1 to 10 answer these questions
1. Is he good in bed ___
2. How good looking is he/she ___
3. How would you rate the way he treats you? Does he open doors for you, listen to you, and buy you wine?___
4. Does he do any cool tricks? (music, modeling, painting, fire breathing ect..)___

Add up your answers. The highest is a 40, expect to be somewhere around a 25-28.
If you are below a 25, there is still hope.

The Yes/No Questions
1. Does he have a car?___
2. Is he willing to always be the drunk driver? You are not getting a DUI.____
3. Does he have a job?____
4. Does he have his own place and a bed frame?____
5. Do his parents live far, far away?_____

Add up your answers. For every "no" subtract 5 points. For every yes add 5.

The Baggage Itself
Subtract these from your mans Human Value number you just figured.

-5 points
He has been in a relationship for no longer than 4 years
He has been in love more than once.
He had minor problems at home, nothing too out of the ordinary


I wrote a song about it

-10 points
He has been in a relationship for more than 4 years
He has been engaged
He has lived with a girl friend
He was the Dumpee and not the Dumper (men are sensitive)
He wrote an album

-20 Points
He has VD
He has a child
He is not sure if he has a child
He has severe erectile dysfunction
He has a restraining order issued against him

"You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house."

There ya have it! Your mans human value is calculable. If your score is notably low, abandon him at the nearest gas station. You're best bet is go to a Comi Con convention and pick up on a nerdy and impresssionable virgin. Virgins carry little baggage.

This is a great location to abandon your boyfriend and his bullshit.

Douche Tolerence

2010-11-09T17:37:00.000-08:00

Doucheometer (n)-- an internal measuring system to gauge male douchiness.

All women have an instinctive doucheometer, a willingness to put up with rudeness, disregard, and perversion from men. The men in our lives tamper with our precious measuring system without our knowledge. Our fathers, brother, uncles, cousins, friends and neighbors all influence how much man-crap we are willing to put up with. For example, if your dad is a massive D-bag, your douchometer has been weakened for your sanity and survival. Now you are left with an extremely high tolerance to d-baggery and are subject to date it! Your douchometer is rusty, you cannot and will not live like this! If you think yours might be broken, here are some steps you can take to fix it!

1. Step One: All sexual comments are to be greeted with stone face. Do not tolerate sexual comments to be made at, near, or around you. If you have to, fire warning sprays with your pepper spray. Sexual comments are not "fun" or "flirty." They're rude. Especially if you knew what men were really thinking.


Me trapped in a conversation with the King of all Douche Bags, Ding Ding

2. Step Two: Learn the separate the D-bags in a crowd. Look for Ed Hardy and other bedazzled pieces of clothing, sideways and backward baseball caps, tribal tattoos, orange spray tan flesh, sleeveless tanks, waxed eyebrows, man-boy clothes (this would be man dressed like a teenager) and other obvious indicators.

3. Step Three: Learn to recognize the "D-bag Vibe." Sure, he seems confident, except that he's made two comments about your ass and he keeps talking about his "massive guns" and how he can "kick ass." Warning! Warning! A man with true confidence opens doors for women and shows it by picking up the tab.


Me between two Douche Bags

4. Step Four: He's invited you at least once to come spend the night at his place, and this is only Date #1. Drop him!

5. Step Five: He keeps bringing up girls he's slept with in the past, "orgies" with celebrities, his numerous visits to the playboy mansion, and how long he can last in bed. DOUCHE.

6. Step Six: Alert yourself to any signs of misogyny (sexist jokes and/or symbols that we're told is "guy humor" but is really just female debasement.) Does he have a naked woman as a wallpaper on his phone and/or laptop? Posters in his room? Is his favorite movie from the directors of "Date Night" or "Old School"?

7. Step Seven: Wake up every morning, look yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself: "I am not going to die lonely and forgotten. My self esteem does not rely on attention from men. I deserve a man who will treat me like a lady and respect me." Now go out there and live it!

8. Step Eight: Fine tune your doucheometer. Don't waste time with men who are less than 90% of what you want. A good guy will be attentive to your needs, interested in your life, observant of your emotions, and anticipate any issues or drama in a relationship. Yes, "real men" exist. In fact, they're everywhere. Just most of them don't wear bedazzled shirts or pick up on chicks in bars.

And there you have it! Eight steps to fine-tuning your douchemeter. Remember girls, dating is fun -- but it's even more fun when you're not stuck with a douchebag!

Easter with douche bags!

xoxo
Serendipity and Feathers

Reading In Between Bible Verses

2010-11-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

Internet dating is pretty scary. You can chat with people online but nothing can replace gauging a persons mental stability in person.This lovely lady is the perfect example of why it is evil. This 100% real. Feel free to blame all of your problems on this person.

"I really like drinking, I know some people say christians shouldnt drink but i think thats stupid...

I like fooling around, i'm a serius christian but i like to have fun! just like with drinking if anyone says theres something wrong with it, i'm all "show me where it says in the bible." so many people believe stuff not because it's in the bible but just because they want to believe it. being stricter in everything doesn't make u a better christian unless ur being strict about something that's in the bible.

i'm blonde :) a natural blonde, actually everything about me is natural :) haha that means people usually think i'm stupid, especially if they see me drinking at a frat party. but i'm actually pretty smart, i surprise people sometimes"

How are you feeling right now? Have you thrown your laptop against the wall? I feel pretty good. She has a point, Jesus never directly addressed attending Frat Parties. I too live for Bible loop-holes. You know what else isn't in the Bible?

What Being a Librarian Has Taught Me

2010-11-06T12:48:00.000-07:00

Here are a few examples of how being a Librarian for a year helped shape my negative opinion of men. How am I ever suppose to take one seriously again? I'm not sure. Here is short list of some observations I made.

1. When a man walks into a library, he is stepping onto the real life set of his favorite Porno! Congrats! You have been cast as the kinky Librarian and you didn't even know it!

2. Men only think about sex. Whenever I would go out with a guy the first question they would ask about my job was "Do you wear glasses?" ...this of course followed by a giant retard smile. Contain your rage and be thankful you are not a Library Science Major.

3. I was just a student intern but like all of my jobs I took it seriously. It's a good thing I wasn't studying library science, other wise I would have ninja-starred heavy books at every man glancing in my direction...and my hate for men and the disrespect they show women would be solid,unwavering and set in stone.

4. Men are confident when acting out a fantasy. A man who would normally crumble at the sight of a woman is suddenly chalked full of confidence and testosterone! Men would write their numbers down, and "gift" them to me! That is after all why we keep those tiny pencils on our desks.

5. A man once said to me while I was shelving books:

him: Do you want to sit on my shoulders?

me: WHAT?

him: OH NO NO I just mean you remind me of my Mom...

me: *Look of horror and disgust*

him: No...it's just... my mom is really short and you're really short! I just meant if you need any help reaching...any...thing....*sigh*

me: Never, ever speak to me directly ever again. I should kick you out but I'm busy.

6. Guys would text me "Wow, I would definitely go read if it means I get to see you ;)" Not a compliment. I don't care if you never read. Continue with your non-reading life style and become as stupid as possible!

Tip : If you are going to a library to perv-out make sure your book is right side up! Remember, we read from left to right ;)

* This blog was written by a greasy and inappropriate Feather...in glasses!

The Perpetual Man Boy

2010-11-04T14:35:00.000-07:00

They are everywhere. Some are hiding in their parents basements but most are walking amongst the rest of us. They are little boys in deceiving costumes, boys disguised as grown men!!! Man-boys have spent their entire lives avoiding responsibility and now they are dating. It can be hard to separate the day walkers from the night crawlers. Sometimes it takes visiting a mans no-furniture apartment to see that he is in fact a man-boy.

So... What stunts a grown man? How do you unveil a man-boy? These are all terrifying questions with even scarier answers. Proceed to Man Boy Land with EXTREME CAUTION (and a foldy chair because remember man boys don't have any furniture.)

What makes a man boy?

Sure, some people are just born immature but most likely someone built this monster. Mommy gave him one too many hugs and now he thinks hes a gift to the universe! OR an ex-girlfriend broke up with him and took his cat leaving him with nothing but a tube of black hair dye and an album to write. Either way, man-boy is holding his dick still in the air waiting for the Planet to rotate around it.

How to sniff out a Man-Boy: Ques, Clues, and Del Taco Wrappers!

Let's skip the obvious. If your man does not have a car or job, do not be the one to house, clothe, and cart his ass around. Don't do it. No. There are no excuses. Stop lying to yourself.

Let's assume your new man has his own place, a car and a job but you haven't seen his apartment yet. Here are some questions to ask yourself while observing his layer:

1. Does he have a bed frame? You do not want a man who sleeps in a floor nest of sheets and pillows. Don't make excuses for a futon either! He should have a grown up bed.

2. Does he have a comfy chair for you to sit in? If he does not, sit on his keyboard.


I googled "Del Taco Wrappers" and found this.

3.What are the misc. contents of the house? Are there Del Taco wrappers everywhere? Wine bottles... are they empty? What's in the care package his Mother sent him? Is it stuff you haven't seen since the early 90's like pop rocks and glow sticks?

But...but..Feathers??!! What are you saying?!

I know it's hard. Your man-boy is probably a barrel of laughs and a good, drunk time -- but this is no reason to date one. Man boys are rebellious and appeal the the fuck-up in all of us! Ever notice that the man-boys get all the ladies in high school? Your man-boy might also a Bad Boy and that is a whole other mess!

Bad boys are fun. They smell like menthol cigarettes and pumpkin candles! But they are not always the best decision.

Also to consider... never, ever, EVER date ANYONE with ANY relation to Andy Dick for any reason! Unless you don't mind the idea of him being at your wedding. It might not be so horrible, he is tiny and could be propped up with a guitar stand but God forbid he be conscious, humping your brides maids faces, and asking for money.

A Thank You For All of the Beautiful Flowers!

2010-11-04T09:06:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I was shocked when a delivery man brought one very beautiful rose bouquet to my door. My friend Michelle Tomlin had sent me a basket of flowers and butterflies a few days prior but before any of this I have never had flowers sent to my house. Judging by my blog maybe some of you may can assume why ;) But when he kept going back into his van and placing more and more GORGEOUS Lilly, rose and lavender bouquets all over my porch I was dumbfounded!

Getting in a severe accident has had me a strange mind-body connection limbo and seeing all of the signatures on my E-Card from all of my amazing follower/friends made me so happy. No man will ever be good enough for me! This was the ultimate act of romance, and I am swooned :) I'm not sure if I'll ever have 10 bouquets of flowers on my porch ever again so thank you so much for the sincere and thoughtful surprise! I was truly caught off guard! Having people pull through for me at a time when I was feeling very forgotten made all of the difference! Thank you so much to Carol Showell, you are rare gem and a very special person, I am happy to know you! Also to Michelle (Charlene) Tomlin, your heart truly knows no bounds! Thank you to you Kara Thomas, Marie, Karin, Fanney, Sasoneh, Casey, Gayle, Krista, Kayleigh, Shirphie, Carolyn, Allie, Beverly , Laura, Sue, Analise, Anne, Melissa, Kaddie, Lissy, Stacey, Tarted_Up, Anita, Jasmine, StealingYourGay, and Desiree.

I hope I didn't leave anyone out! Thank you so much for all of your Love! I'll never forget this!

XOXO
Chantala ~ Feathers

Questions and Answers!

2010-11-01T18:02:00.000-07:00

Q-- i've had him sitting in this bear trap for 18 hours now and he's starting to smell. what should I do next? i shoved some potpourri in his wound. i really feel like he's the one, because he's crying a lot and that means he's emotional about us being together.

Serendipity Says :

Whatever you do, don't feel sorry for him. If he's a real man, he can take it. Just let him sit around a while longer and eventually he'll pass out. Then let him out of the bear trap and douse him in water. When he wakes up, he'll be a shell of his former self, and completely at your disposal. :)

Congratulations! You now have your very own Man Slave.

Feathers Says:

You are doing everything right. If you cant get him with Stockholm Syndrome, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will definitely do the trick. Fire gun shots near him (not at him) and pop balloons in his face, tell him how worthless he is and show him pictures of his mother. Create a pattern of muscle memory, if he does something you don't like, snap rubber bands at him. This is also a great time to show him how you've been practicing breast feeding. This way, he gets to see your amazing rack AND see what a wonderful wife/mother you'll make! You guys are going be so happy together -- Jealous. For the rotting flesh smell, light a candle.

Groupie 101

2010-11-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

Doing stuff is hard. Leeching on to someone else's accomplishments is easier. If standing in the long cast, neon shadows of someone else's career sounds like fun to you-- you are in the right place! If you have a vagina (or any genitalia for that matter) congrats! You have an all access backstage pass!

1. Walk, don't run. Play it cool. Keep your neurotic fangirl screaming in your head where it can quietly fester into a metal illness.

2. Condoms, always condoms. But variety is the spice of life, so sleep with as many people as one night will allow.

3. Never throw away band merch. YOU NEVER KNOW

4. Be a hard bitch. The chances are that your unaccomplished boyfriend and his garage band drink....alot. Practice drinking. Push your body as far as it will go. Laugh in the face organ failure. Shoot whiskey and pound Guinness.

5. Never wear a bra or underwear. Its not enough just to be desperate--you have to look it too. When the night is over, and your new friend asks where your undies are, say I'M NOT WEARING ANY :D Don't tell him its because you despise doing laundry.

6. Don't lie to yourself. If you marry a touring musician you can never create a home life for this man that is more fun/exciting than what hes already doing. So have lots of hobbies and lovers on the side. Never have children. If you do, your growing resentment for your husband will show itself in short, bitter Tweets that say things like "I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN DIPSHIT"

7. Learn how to hot wire a car in case you need to rig a tour bus and drive it off a cliff.

8. Always have your business card (with your cell phone number on it) readily available. Like in your bra. (if your wearing one) This is networking remember?

9. Be overly confident! Never let someones success intimidate you. Instead of waiting behind a velvet rope , hop over it! I first tried this at a Coheed and Cambria concert. It was starting to rain and I thought, "What am I doing? I have school tomorrow." I hopped the rope and was booed by all the other fans. I knocked on the bus and was invited in. Boom. Then I turned around and flipped off my boyfriend while he stood in the rain.

10. Never offer to help. You don't want to be confused with a Roadie, or a tech crew. Those people have to carry stuff. And lets face it, your too drunk to assemble a drum kit or plug stuff in.

Take all of this advice! If you need to print this out and fold it up in your purse, do that. Let your date find it.

Feathers

Everyone Likes Games!

2010-10-30T04:07:00.000-07:00

Getting to know a person is complicated. People are often elusive and quick to hide the hideous monster they are inside. Here are a series of tests and games you can play on your date thus furthering yourself from any real intimacy, which is terrifying.

The "What I Really Look Like" Test

Walk into the bathroom, remove all of your make up. Peel of your fake eyelashes, take out your contacts, pull out your hair extensions, remove your bra padding (if you are wearing a bra) and wash off all of your deodorant. Come back to the table, gauge your dates reaction.

The Bum Test

Ask your date if he gives money to Bums. Homeless people are often mentally ill or have become so down-and-out they have completely lost their way. Any man that can not sympathize with that is a DOUCHE BAG. That's right, he does not appreciate his home and he has no regard for other people. Slap your date, steal his wallet, and give it to a bum.

The Bad Attitude Test

For no reason, give your date a huge attitude. Roll your eyes. Three snaps in a BITCH formation. Act like a child. See how much he is willing to deal with, these will be the boundaries of your relationship.

The Banana Test

At any given point of the night, pull a banana out of your purse. Bananas are an excellent source of Fiber. Your date will be shocked, and torn between his natural urge to make a sexual comment and still act like a gentlemen. Peel the banana, never break eye contact. Ask for spoon. Confused, your date hands you a spoon. Pulverize the banana and then say you're not hungry anymore and you hate bananas.

The Down Talk Test

Talk down to your date. Even if he is 10+ years your senior. Question his intelligence. Interrupt him and quiz him on his random factoid knowledge. Some of my favorites are

*What does LED stand for?

* Random Star Wars/ Lord of the Rings/ and John Wayne trivia.

* Why is the ocean blue?

It is important that your date is intelligent. At some point in the future you might be expected to interact with other couples.(AH!) He needs to be smart enough for the both of you so you can hide and get drunk in the corner of a family party/dinner date.

You should seriously consider at least trying out one of these. Otherwise you might find yourself having a meaningful conversation while on a date.

xoxo

Hiding Feather

Filling Awkward Silences.

2010-10-30T01:36:00.000-07:00

Getting to know a stranger can be painful, especially if you are sober. If your date has agreed to see you for a third time, assume that you are both mutually crippled with loneliness. Here are a few pointers. Do not Listen to anything I say.

1. If you and your date can barely look each other in the eye, you should have sex as soon as possible. Remember, there is no situation that a little whiskey and Viagra can't fix.

2.When he shows you the care package his mother sent him, experiment with its contents, sexually. Pop Rocks included. Disregard the fact that you have not seen Pop Rocks since1995. If doesn't look like it will easily send you to the emergency room, just try it. Might as well leave with a new trick under your belt.

3. Know that this is is not what the Phantom of the Opera meant when he sang "Past the Point of No Return."

4. Continue to talk to about your vibrator. Your date must always know you prefer artificial satisfaction over human contact.

5. Talk about how many problems you have. Show your date that you are no longer proportionate to the tons of baggage you are carrying. Present your date with an open invitation into the Tornado of your Bullshit.

6. If all else is failing, drop names like bombs. Name dropping is safe as it speaks of your social life without having to personally do with you. It also makes you look cool.

7. Argue about who is cooler. Probably neither of you. Ignore road signs. When your date says "Once I start drinking, I can't stop" and then stares at the floor do not see this as a RED FLAG. Instead, see it as a man who emerged from his 20's still knowing how to have a good, drunk time. Its a party flag!

8. When your waitress comes back, scream 'YES' in her face before she has the chance to ask you if you would like another jack and coke
.

9. If you are crippled, like me, make a bitter comment about your dates physical capabilities. This lets your date know, that although you may be significantly younger than him, you are both mentally/physically deteriorating.

10. Talk about yourself as much as possible. Cut your date off. Only stop to pee, tweet, and to lick the salt of your margarita glass. If its possible to have your actual voice, and your voice on the car radio going at the same time, do that.

11. When your date finally agrees to take you back to his house because he/she is too drunk to drive you home, make sure there is enough alcohol in the house to sustain you both. If this is in question, run to the nearest liquor store.

12. Smoke his cigarettes. When he walks into his smoke filled bedroom put it out in the candle on the night stand and deny everything. Never tell on yourself.

10. When your date drops you off at home, walk past your father smelling like whiskey, cigarettes and latex. Glare at him, know this is all his fault.

11. Keep drinking

xox
Crippled Feathers

Congrats, You Made it To Date Number Two.

2010-10-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

Congrats, your date for one reason or another has decided to see you again. He might be desperate or he may have been drunk when he/she agreed to meet up. Regardless, you have made it to the second round. Also known as the NO BULL SHIT ZONE. Approach with no caution.

1. Answer the door in a wedding dress. Beating around the bush gets you no where.

2. Stage a bar fight. Get one of your brother's friends to approach you at the bar and say " I was sitting here." It is important that you have a man that can defend you and also keep his seat at a bar.

3. Challenge him. This ties into my and Serendipity's "Bad First Date Advice Rule #9 :Establishing Dominance." Its important to know where you stand in the relationship. At any given point of the night, whip a leather glove out of your pocket and smack him across the face. If he rejects your challenge you are in safe waters. Do not explain yourself. If he fights back, do everything and anything to win and whatever you do DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

4. Look your Gift Horse in the Mouth. Teeth are important. They are a symbol of social status and are an important genetic trait.

5. Google. Ask him for his last name and then Google the shit out him while he is telling you about his job. If you are on a date with a murderer, you should know by the second date.

6. While he is telling you about his parents divorce, hold you hand up and say "Hold on, I'm Tweeting." Snap a picture of your drink, and Tweet. And then say "Ok, so what were we talking about? Oh that's right you were going to buy me another drink!"

7. Take out the baby doll you keep in your purse. Strap it to him, and gush about how natural he looks.

8. The night is coming to a close meaning the bar is closing so it is very important to make what I call "Drunk Plans" These are the never-gonna-happen outlandish, ridiculous, plans that over-excited drunk people make. Hand him the invite to your wedding that you made this morning using Adobe Paint and FaceinaHole.com.

9. Before you go home, have your date take you to CVS to buy batteries for your vibrator. This lets your date know that you are looking for a good time without him. You are a strong, independent woman.

10. Invite him in. Wake your parents up.

You will settle for nothing less than a soul mate riddled and crippled with Stockholm Syndrome. Your future husband is intrigued! Before he leaves, leave your Plan-B, tooth brush, and Social Security Card in his car so he has another reason to see you again.

xox
Crippled Feathers

The Best First Date Advice You Will Ever Read

2010-10-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

1. Get drunk. Like really drunk. Cover this person in your emotional vomit. Hold back nothing. Make sure your eyes and are as slitty and un-readable as possible.

2. Allude to the pepper spray in your purse, and the baseball bat in your car. A girl can never be too safe.

3. Be prepared for some awkward conversation. Bring a tape recorder in case he says something absolutely hysterical, like "I love cucumber sandwiches" or "I'm a gay werewolf" or "did you like Celine Dion's latest album?"

4. Men are sensitive, so let's not make any comments about his shitty car, his low paying job, his bad hair cut, or the fact that he's short. Mmm k?

5. Talk about your ex. I like to open with a story. "One time my ex crossed the line so I left him at a gas station in the ghetto and hour away from our apartment."

6. Take out your I-Phone, snap a picture of your date, upload to your Make A Baby App, then show him.

7. Order something really gruesome or expensive, like the Kobe Beef or Jambalaya. Eat an entire steak with your hands.Try to appear as unhealthy as possible. You don't want to misrepresent yourself. If he asks you out again, it means you can eat pizza and chug beer around him with no guilt (not that that's ever stopped me.)

8. Order another drink. Start crying.

9. This is the perfect time to preform the "grab test." Knowledge is power. Crack your knuckles, then reach under the table.

10. Establish dominance over the situation. Spill your drink and make him clean it up. Better yet, grab your cell phone out of your purse and tell him you need to "use the bathroom." Then let him sit for a while, wondering what you're doing in there.

This can also known as the Stockholm Affect. At some point, whisper in his ear "If you ever leave me, Ill kill your entire family." Then kiss him on the cheek, and giggle.

11. When he drops you off at your place, tell him you had a really fun time, and you want to see him again, and you think you might "be in Love already!" You now have him in your bear trap .Enjoy.

And there you have it! The dating advice that Never Fails. Tune in next time for the TOP 10 REASONS TO DATE A VAMPIRE. ;) Adeiu!
xox
Serendipity & Feathers

Art Contest Prizes!

2010-10-28T12:52:00.000-07:00

As most of you know, I have set up an Art Contest on Deviant Art for Tommy Ratliff and Adam Lambert Fans.
I have been accepting prizes from donors for the past month or so and I have quite the pool of awesome Music Prizes!

The Biggest, Most Impressive Prize is a copy of a Japanese Rolling Stone Magazine, featuring Adam Lambert on the cover, and signed by the artist. This amazing gift was signed for a fan at a Meet and greet and then framed and donated! The Donor was none other than our favorite Charlene Tomlin

Names

2010-10-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

Your name, Its so unique!

It isn't really though, just Chantal -- with an A at the end.

My dad thought Chantal Parris sounded trashy
Thanks for the consideration Dad
Just a name my mom picked out of a romance novel she picked up while waiting in line at the market.
You know the book, the one with Fabio on the cover
Someone told me it translates to "beautiful song."

I think it really means "a rocky place."
It's French, I'm Mexican.
I'm Mexican but my Spanish will offend you.

5 am

2010-10-25T06:13:00.000-07:00

Good morning hole in my chest. I see you're still here.

The only logical explanation is that I am borrowing someone elses body.
Left in the intense company of a stranger.
And now to make the decision of what to drag with me and what to leave behind.

Caught somewhere in the in between....
I wish you would just let me take care of you
So that I don't have to take care of myself.

And address tapping on my window at night
Reminding me of what I was really thinking
In what I thought was my final moment
For the second time this year.

Although I know that I am already more or less of the person I always will be.

Adam and Tommy Art Contest up and Running!

2010-09-18T12:02:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone,

I am finally holding the Adam and Tommy Art Contest that i have been planning!

Enter your submission here!
Anyone can enter, you do not have to be a member of the club but you do have to make a Deviant Art account to enter so yo don't have one, make one :)

Rules:

1) All art must have both Adam and Tommy in it! You may also include other members of the band.

**2) Please keep it PG. No nudity, explicit content, or grotesque images.**

3) If you submit a photomanipulation, it must be visibly, obviously altered.

4) One entry per person. International people are welcome to participate

5) Allowed Mediums: traditional art, digital art, photomanipulations. (no photography)

6) Please, new art only! Don't submit old stuff from your galleries.

Deadline:
Halloween! October 31st.
Date may be extended

Prizes
Yes, we are accepting prize donations! Donations can be in the form of free art, prints, subscriptions, crafts, or even journal features! We highly encourage donations, so please write to hideurfeathers@gmail.com with your prize donation and we will add your name to the list.

We need more journal features and prizes for our 3rd place/runners up! Please comment on this journal entry to donate a feature to our winners! Thank you for helping to support our contest.

Prize List (updated 9/17/10)

**places will be decided by a popular vote.

First Place

1 UK version of For Your Entertainment CD from *HildeM-G
1 Tommy autograph and drawing by Kara
1 signed fantasy book, Cat's Eye, from author ~CrystallineEssence
1 custom pair of earrings from ~Hide-Your-Feathers (Check them out!)
1 bookmark from Twitter's @AlliCrain
2 journal features from ~CrystallineEssence and ~Hide-Your-Feathers
More prizes to be announced.

Second Place

1 autographed Avenged Sevenfold framed CD and poster from ~Hide-Your-Feathers
1 fantasy ebook, Cat's Eye, from author ~CrystallineEssence
1 custom pair of earrings from ~Hide-Your-Feathers (Check them out!)
1 print from ~topazholly90
1 bookmark from Twitter's @AlliCrain
2 journal features from ~CrystallineEssence and ~Hide-Your-Feathers
More prizes to be announced.

Third Place

1 photomanipulation by ~CrystallineEssence
1 fantasy ebook, Cat's Eye, from author ~CrystallineEssence
1 bookmark from Twitter's @AlliCrain
2 journal features from ~CrystallineEssence and ~Hide-Your-Feathers
More prizes to be announced.

Runners Up

1 photomanipulation by ~CrystallineEssence
2 journal features from ~CrystallineEssence and ~Hide-Your-Feathers
More prizes to be announced.

For more updates on the contest, including prizes and other news, check out HideUrFeathers on Twitter.com!

Ask any questions below and we will do our best to answer them!

Glam Nation Round Two!

2010-08-16T20:40:00.002-07:00

It was Adam Lambert concert night numero dos and this time I was taking my girl friend Shaina (the blonde bombshell in the pictures) and Dave and Mike, Tommy's room mates and close friends.

It has become my unofficial job as hair stylist make up artist and stylist to all of my friends, even the boys. So of course Mike came over and got his hair and make up done. He combed though a few of my feather earrings and picked out a blue and rhinestone feather earring. I said "are you suer, its a little feminine, and he said Chantala, "Im a little feminine" haha! I love Mike. Ive known Mike for about 5 years and hes great, we get along really well.

After Mike, Shaina came running into my house saying "oh my god, my hair is hopeless!!!" I pulled her hair back and stuck a bunch of hot pink feathers in her ponytail, it looked so cute!

I decided that if i was gonna do it again i was gonna match my first night and dress up again, so i donned another Black dress and Heels. This was round two in 6.5 inch heels. I am superwoman, sometimes.

Dave rolled up in his giant car and immediately Shaina and I had a million requests!
We stopped by the Market to get a bottle but we saw a deal on a handle so we got that instead.
Mike saw someone walking out of the market with Jamba Juice so our booze run turned into a mission.
Mike got his smoothie, we had rum and we were ready to hit the road.

Dave drove us responsibly as me and Shaina partied in the backseat.
We got stuck in bizarre traffic at the exit and by then and hour had passed, meaning and hour of drinking for me and shaina.
We had to pee so bad we almost peed on the side of the free way

but then i remembered the pattern of my luck
and i knew that traffic would pick up and we would be abandoned at the side of the road.
Dave went to McDonalds, and me and Shaina ran into a park bathroom and then pushed a homeless man in his wheelchair down the street while waiting for Dave and Mike. No one else was helping him.

We hung out in the parking lot for a little bit before meeting up with Tommy. We took pictures and ate our McDonalds fries.parking Lot party.

We met Tommy at the bus and because hes such a big Rock Star I screamed, cried and threw up all over his shoes. ....

We sat on the bus and had a beer and hung out for a bit. I had to pee (again) and i was informed of all the bus bathroom rules. I walked out of the back room on the bus, and Liz said..."Wait! Do you know the rules?"

I came out and sat down with Liz and introduced myself. Time to start networking *knuckle crack*
I started taking out my jewelry for her to look at and it ended up being passed around the bus. David stepped in and said "wow this is really cool, do you make man feathers?" haha I said yea sure I can make some man feather.

I gave Liz a single Peacock Feather Earring and true to her character she was very grateful and very friendly!
I told her I admired her ability to wear her kind heart on her sleeve, she looked surpirised.
After talking with Liz I met Longineu -- does that man own a shirt?
And Monte. Monte was holding his little daughters hand while his wife stood behind him proudly, strangely Attractive Family.

We walked of the bus and found our seats. Shaina and I made sure to dance as ridiculously as possible and to scream loud to embarrass Mike and Dave. I think it worked! It would be a miracle of they ever take us anywhere again

The Concert was amazing! The set was even better the second time around!

After the show we met up with everyone and said good bye! I really wanted to meet Adam and say hi and thank you to Camila Grey for all the promotion she has done for me but I'm not sure where they went after the show.

Glam Nation Round One

2010-08-10T11:54:00.000-07:00

On my first night at Glam Nation I went with my best friend Theresa. I got the tickets from a nice lady that found me on Twitter name Alana. She sent me 2 tickets for the Cost Mesa, Ca show on the 27th and four for the 28th!

We left to the show around 4:30 and of course made pit stop to fill up our flasks before the show! I packed my purse full of Feather Jewelry from my website www.HideYourFeathers.Etsy.com in hopes that i might pass out my cards and make some sales! I thought it was a good idea and the perfect opportunity to promote my business but some of my friends were calling me gypsy for trying to sell things out of my bag, I call it good business! hehe

I had a world of trouble trying to figure out what to wear. First i had on my knee high flat boots but they made me look so short with the dress I had on. I was determined to wear a skirt or a dress even though my legs were all green and bruised a car accident prior that week.I ended up wearing a plain black strapless dress and black pumps. As long as you have a flask in your purse, you can wear pumps anywhere!

I dressed up my black dress with a pink Feather Hair extension and a Black Rose and Feather Necklace I made especially for the show. I made Theresa a pair of copper and Turquoise Earrings, they looked amazing with her red hair! Theresa and I pumped ourselves up for the show in the two hour traffic jam we were stuck in by rolling down our windows and singing along to What Do You Want From Me, because it is the only song we have on disc that was in Thesesa's car!
We finally got to the show and walked around a bit passing out my business cards and meeting people! Most of the people that i talked to knew who i was from Twitter, i was really flattered and very surprised! I took a few pictures with some very sweet girls and sold a few pieces.

Here is a picture from one of my Twitter people, she was so sweet, everyone was!

We got to our seats and watched the ending of Orianthi's set, she was really freaking talented!
We walked around some more waiting for Adam to play, we went through an entire box of business cards! In all honesty i loved being able to pass out my card at a concert and say that the band is rocking my gear, because its the truth! Yesss! hehe

Adam came on around 9 and the opening number blew my mind! The stage set up and and the performance was amazing. My favorite songs are Music Again and Fever! The Fever outfit was absolutely insane, I wanted to steal that hat! The cover of Ring of Fire was more incredible than i can explain for so many reasons. I was floored to not only be watching Tommy finally get the break he deserved, but there he was on stage playing a Johnny Cash cover!!!! Knowing how much he loves Johnny Cash, it was all pretty amazing.

Theresa and I had had a few drinks by the time Adam came on, so to say the least we were ready to dance and we did! In fact, a lady told me to sit down, I said "everyone is standing and having fun except you" and then I turned around and got down with my Other Half! (Theresa :p) I was not about to sit down at my friends show! I screamed so many times i had no vioce by the end of the night! Out section was a bit dead, i wont lie. When Adam licked Tommy I screamed and hollered and got into it! haha! I screamed for Tommy and Camila and probably looked insane! Camila was wearing her feathers, that also made me pretty happy.

Once the show was over, I joined the herd and left. I figured I would have plenty of time to see Tommy the next night, and I was not about to take on the crowds surrounding the buses. I had so much fun! I couldnt wait to do it again!

xoxo
Feathers

www.Twitter.com/HideUrFeathers

GLAM NATION PICTURES

2010-08-02T12:45:00.000-07:00

How to Wear Leather Without Scaring People

2010-06-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

I try to shop for feathers in unique locations so that my suppliers are exclusive and my products stay original! This weekend I came across a fabulous scrap leather retailer and I thought,
"I HAVE TO MAKE SOMETHING WITH FEATHERS AND LEATHER!"

I purchased some beautiful black scrap leather and made these beautiful and unique leather and feather wrist cuffs using crystals, silver, thick black leather, deep blue feathers, long black and white feathers, and silver chains.

Leather is hot right now. Fashion comes in cycles and its leather's turn again! Leather crop jackets, leather vests and corsets are all over the streets of Hollywood! And I am a firm believer that "If its not on the streets, then its not fashion" (Coco Chanel). The "Rocker Look" is more accessible than ever and it is a very easy look to pull off. First of all, you do not have to be dressed in head to toe leather to look like a Rock Star!

Often, you only need one or two bold accessories to pull off the look. For example, a fringe leather vest over a feminine blouse can give you a edgy look with out making you look like you fell off someones motorcycle!

Here are a few pieces I found on Forever21.com that are perfect for those seeking an edgier look without going all the way!

www.hideyourfeathers.etsy.com