Filling Awkward Silences.

Getting to know a stranger can be painful, especially if you are sober. If your date has agreed to see you for a third time, assume that you are both mutually crippled with loneliness. Here are a few pointers. Do not Listen to anything I say.

1. If you and your date can barely look each other in the eye, you should have sex as soon as possible. Remember, there is no situation that a little whiskey and Viagra can't fix.

2.When he shows you the care package his mother sent him, experiment with its contents, sexually. Pop Rocks included. Disregard the fact that you have not seen Pop Rocks since1995. If doesn't look like it will easily send you to the emergency room, just try it. Might as well leave with a new trick under your belt.

3. Know that this is is not what the Phantom of the Opera meant when he sang "Past the Point of No Return."

4. Continue to talk to about your vibrator. Your date must always know you prefer artificial satisfaction over human contact.

5. Talk about how many problems you have.  Show your date that you are no longer proportionate to the tons of baggage you are carrying. Present your date with an open invitation into the Tornado of your Bullshit.

6. If all else is failing, drop names like bombs. Name dropping is safe as it speaks of your social life without having to personally do with you. It also makes you look cool.

7. Argue about who is cooler. Probably neither of you. Ignore road signs. When your date says "Once I start drinking, I can't stop" and then stares at the floor do not see this as a RED FLAG. Instead, see it as a man who emerged from his 20's still knowing how to have a good, drunk time. Its a party flag!

8. When your waitress comes back, scream 'YES' in her face before she has the chance to ask you if you would like another jack and coke
.

9. If you are crippled, like me, make a bitter comment about your dates physical capabilities. This lets your date know, that although you may be significantly younger than him, you are both mentally/physically deteriorating.

10. Talk about yourself as much as possible. Cut your date off. Only stop to pee, tweet, and to lick the salt of your margarita glass. If its possible to have your actual voice, and your voice on the car radio going at the same time, do that.

11. When your date finally agrees to take you back to his house because he/she is too drunk to drive you home, make sure there is enough alcohol in the house to sustain you both. If this is in question, run to the nearest liquor store.

12. Smoke his cigarettes. When he walks into his smoke filled bedroom put it out in the candle on the night stand and deny everything. Never tell on yourself.

10. When your date drops you off at home, walk past your father smelling like whiskey, cigarettes and latex. Glare at him, know this is all his fault.

11. Keep drinking

xox
Crippled Feathers