Groupie 101

Doing stuff is hard. Leeching on to someone else's accomplishments is easier. If standing in the long cast, neon shadows of someone else's career sounds like fun to you-- you are in the right place! If you have a vagina (or any genitalia for that matter) congrats! You have an all access backstage pass!

1. Walk, don't run. Play it cool. Keep your neurotic fangirl screaming in your head where it can quietly fester into a metal illness.

2. Condoms, always condoms. But variety is the spice of life, so sleep with as many people as one night will allow.

3. Never throw away band merch. YOU NEVER KNOW

4. Be a hard bitch. The chances are that your unaccomplished boyfriend and his garage band drink....alot. Practice drinking. Push your body as far as it will go. Laugh in the face organ failure. Shoot whiskey and pound Guinness.

5. Never wear a bra or underwear. Its not enough just to be desperate--you have to look it too. When the night is over, and your new friend asks where your undies are, say I'M NOT WEARING ANY :D Don't tell him its because you despise doing laundry.

6. Don't lie to yourself. If you marry a touring musician you can never create a home life for this man that is more fun/exciting than what hes already doing. So have lots of hobbies and lovers on the side. Never have children. If you do, your growing resentment for your husband will show itself in short, bitter Tweets that say things like "I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN DIPSHIT"

7. Learn how to hot wire a car in case you need to rig a tour bus and drive it off a cliff.

8. Always have your business card (with your cell phone number on it) readily available. Like in your bra. (if your wearing one)  This is networking remember?

9. Be overly confident! Never let someones success intimidate you. Instead of waiting behind a velvet rope , hop over it! I first tried this at a Coheed and Cambria concert. It was starting to rain and I thought, "What am I doing? I have school tomorrow." I hopped the rope and was booed by all the other fans. I knocked on the bus and was invited in. Boom. Then I turned around and flipped off my boyfriend while he stood in the rain.

10. Never offer to help. You don't want to be confused with a Roadie, or a tech crew. Those people have to carry stuff. And lets face it, your too drunk to assemble a drum kit or plug stuff in.

Take all of this advice! If you need to print this out and fold it up in your purse, do that. Let your date find it. 

xo

Feathers