THE MAN RAG

DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

Some douchebag picks you up in his car, drives all pouty back to his house, proceeds in drinking a bottle of vodka and then quietly cries himself to sleep. You try to engage him by chatting, watching TV, asking him about his job or even trying to have sex... but nothing works. He's in a bad mood and you might as well be a fly on the wall.

THE MAN RAG (also known as "man-period") can last 5-7 days and is often accompanied by excessive pouting, bloating, complaining, drinking and fatigue. Are you and your man in a fight, or is he on his man-rag? Here are some ways to tell:

1. PMS (Pouty Man Syndrome): It seems like everything you say makes him pout. And the more he pouts, the more you want to scream at him. He won't look you in the eye or directly respond to anything you say. Also, lots of drama. For instance, he jumps out of your car at an intersection because he wants your attention, or locks himself in his room to write in his journal.

2. Man Bloating: Suddenly all he talks about is how fat he's getting. I hate it when men talk about their weight. STFU. He won't shut up about the extra ten pounds, never mind that he's 6ft tall and you can't tell anyway. Also, he keeps touching his head and saying he's going bald. All you can do is deny it and take another sip of your cheap wine.

3. Video Games: Some guys play video games for "fun," but in this case it's a sign of severe depression. You can tell how sad he is by how many explosions are coming from the TV. He's sad... but really, he's mad. At everything. Especially you. And the only way he can cope is by shutting his bedroom door and turning up the volume. If you haven't already, I would suggest taking a wino nap.

4. Munchies: McDonald's breakfast at 3am? Is your man an emotional eater? How many bags are stashed under his half of the bed? Your man's food cravings are hard and fast. French fries, cheese sticks, pizza, hamburgers, chili dogs, nachos... no wonder he's feeling bloated! Don't worry, he'll stop eating in a few days when he realizes he's being an oversensitive douche.

5. Booze: You date a good guy and he doesn't usually drink, but suddenly there's a six-pack next to his computer chair and all he'll talk about is how controlling you are. Suddenly it's your fault that he doesn't drink as much as he wants, or that his friends never come over, or that he has to stay extra hours work. He wants to break out and feel like a "real man." He wants to drink, fight, drive fast and piss in an alley somewhere. All you can do is steal one of his beers and plan a night out with your girlfriends.

6. Weird Sex: Does your boyfriend suddenly want to role play, try a new position, hump in an elevator or experiment with whips and chains? Is he feeling creative and you can't wait to hop on board? Even worse, does his libido seem completely dead? You might be in the middle of a big pouty fight, but expect the make-up sex to be wilder and kinkier than any you have had before. If the opposite is true, don't be disappointed if he can't get it up because of the excessive drinking and fast food.

HOW TO COPE

Patience is a virtue! Never forget that you are smarter, stronger, faster, and more emotionally independent than your boyfriend. If he's on the man-rag and driving you nuts, try a bottle of wine (or two.) Get out of the house. Go on a "date" with one of his friends. Exercise. Take a vacation for a week. No matter what you do, the sure-fire way to fix this problem is to leave it alone. If you disappear for a few days, by the time you return he'll be starving, lonely, horny, and dying to make it up to you.