Uh oh! You've been single for too long and now you are bizarre! What happened?!?

Well, developing a personality and hobbies can be dangerous. You might find that the "real you" is a fucking weirdo. The side-show of a life you have created for yourself probably scares people. You have also reached the point where the very idea of adjusting your egocentric schedule to accommodate another person is laughable! Here is how to recover and readjust to life around other humans.

1. Make friends: Doing Ecstasy in as sweat lodge, naked, with Uncle Joey from Full House is not making friends. It is actually making you weirder and furthering you from normal social contact. This is not a story to tell on dates.

2. Get Out More: Instead of lurking in your personal recording studio (ie. a keyboard in your bedroom with the blinds closed), try going outside to get some fresh air. Talk to your neighbors. Go to a coffee shop and bring your laptop. Eventually your skin will get a bit of color and you'll stop looking like a wild-eyed zombie.

3. Listen to People: Listen to other people. And by listening I do not mean listening patiently for your friend/partner to take a breath so you can interject with the fabulous story you've been thinking about while they were talking. Learn to turn your selfish, noisy brain off and try to care about other people's silly lives.

4. Hide Everything: Hide all evidence of your single lifestyle.Try to break out of your weird routine when people come over. Never let anyone see the bassinet with the Fish Mobile over it that you made for your cat. Take the onsie off of your cat. You can dress him up and play baby with him when your guests leave.

Also to consider: I personally respect your quest to seek out the dark forces, but remove the Ouija Board nailed above your bed.

5. Buy Some Furniture. So now you got a friend! (oops, let's not get ahead of ourselves), but the true test is coming. What will he/she do when he/she comes over to your place? My suggestion: buy some chairs, and maybe a small table. Put them in front of a TV (no, your laptop screen is not a TV.) Now, get some chips and beer. There you have it, instant hang-out! Try to pick up the dirty clothes in your living room and clean around the toilet bowl. Remember, your friends don't really care about your life unless it involves them, so keep "sharing" to a minimum. Don't trap your new friend in a corner and make them listen to your favorite CD's, read your sad poetry, look through your sketchbook, stare at your dead butterfly collection and then expect them to tell you how great you are. Try asking about their life -- and then revert to Step 3.

  6. Be realistic : Completely rid of yourself of the hopes of marriage. Once you can find peace in the idea of being alone forever (which you probably will be) you will find that legs and doors of opportunity will open themselves to you!

7. Cell Phone Manners : Text people back. Opening your phone, reading a text and saying "Ha!..No." out loud is not responding. Instead, text back "thank you for the invite but I have a dinner date with my cat, let's get coffee soon :-)" Use a lot of emoticons. Smiley faces and "xoxo" help create the illusion of a personality!

Adjusting to human life isn't so bad! You may never be as popular as you were in high school, but at least now you don't have to worry about choking to death in your studio apartment and your friends/family not realizing you're dead until two weeks later. Remember, people are only your friends for what you can do for them so practice your people-serving and ego stroking skills, you yourself do not need to be interesting or normal! :-)

xox

Serendipity and Feathers

Groupie 101

Doing stuff is hard. Leeching on to someone else's accomplishments is easier. If standing in the long cast, neon shadows of someone else's career sounds like fun to you-- you are in the right place! If you have a vagina (or any genitalia for that matter) congrats! You have an all access backstage pass!

1. Walk, don't run. Play it cool. Keep your neurotic fangirl screaming in your head where it can quietly fester into a metal illness.

2. Condoms, always condoms. But variety is the spice of life, so sleep with as many people as one night will allow.

3. Never throw away band merch. YOU NEVER KNOW

4. Be a hard bitch. The chances are that your unaccomplished boyfriend and his garage band drink....alot. Practice drinking. Push your body as far as it will go. Laugh in the face organ failure. Shoot whiskey and pound Guinness.

5. Never wear a bra or underwear. Its not enough just to be desperate--you have to look it too. When the night is over, and your new friend asks where your undies are, say I'M NOT WEARING ANY :D Don't tell him its because you despise doing laundry.

6. Don't lie to yourself. If you marry a touring musician you can never create a home life for this man that is more fun/exciting than what hes already doing. So have lots of hobbies and lovers on the side. Never have children. If you do, your growing resentment for your husband will show itself in short, bitter Tweets that say things like "I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN DIPSHIT"

7. Learn how to hot wire a car in case you need to rig a tour bus and drive it off a cliff.

8. Always have your business card (with your cell phone number on it) readily available. Like in your bra. (if your wearing one)  This is networking remember?

9. Be overly confident! Never let someones success intimidate you. Instead of waiting behind a velvet rope , hop over it! I first tried this at a Coheed and Cambria concert. It was starting to rain and I thought, "What am I doing? I have school tomorrow." I hopped the rope and was booed by all the other fans. I knocked on the bus and was invited in. Boom. Then I turned around and flipped off my boyfriend while he stood in the rain.

10. Never offer to help. You don't want to be confused with a Roadie, or a tech crew. Those people have to carry stuff. And lets face it, your too drunk to assemble a drum kit or plug stuff in.

Take all of this advice! If you need to print this out and fold it up in your purse, do that. Let your date find it. 

xo

Feathers

Everyone Likes Games!

Getting to know a person is complicated. People are often elusive and quick to hide the hideous monster they are inside. Here are a series of tests and games you can play on your date thus furthering yourself from any real intimacy, which is terrifying.

The "What I Really Look Like" Test

Walk into the bathroom, remove all of your make up. Peel of your fake eyelashes, take out your contacts, pull out your hair extensions, remove your bra padding (if you are wearing a bra) and wash off all of your deodorant. Come back to the table, gauge your dates reaction.

The Bum Test

Ask your date if he gives money to Bums. Homeless people are often mentally ill or have become so down-and-out they have completely lost their way. Any man that can not sympathize with that is a DOUCHE BAG. That's right, he does not appreciate his home and he has no regard for other people. Slap your date, steal his wallet, and give it to a bum.

The Bad Attitude Test

For no reason, give your date a huge attitude. Roll your eyes. Three snaps in a BITCH formation. Act like a child. See how much he is willing to deal with, these will be the boundaries of your relationship.

The Banana Test

At any given point of the night, pull a banana out of your purse. Bananas are an excellent source of Fiber. Your date will be shocked, and torn between his  natural urge to make a sexual comment and still act like a gentlemen. Peel the banana, never break eye contact. Ask for spoon. Confused, your date hands you a spoon. Pulverize the banana and then say you're not hungry anymore and you hate bananas.

The Down Talk Test

Talk down to your date. Even if he is 10+ years your senior. Question his intelligence. Interrupt him and quiz him on his random factoid knowledge. Some of my favorites are

*What does LED stand for?

* Random Star Wars/ Lord of the Rings/ and John Wayne trivia.

* Why is the ocean blue?

It is important that your date is intelligent.  At some point in the future you might be expected to interact with other couples.(AH!) He needs to be smart enough for the  both of you so you can hide and get drunk in the corner of a family party/dinner date.

You should seriously consider at least trying out one of these. Otherwise you might find yourself having a meaningful conversation while on a date.

xoxo

Hiding Feather