Everyone Likes Games!

Getting to know a person is complicated. People are often elusive and quick to hide the hideous monster they are inside. Here are a series of tests and games you can play on your date thus furthering yourself from any real intimacy, which is terrifying.

The "What I Really Look Like" Test

Walk into the bathroom, remove all of your make up. Peel of your fake eyelashes, take out your contacts, pull out your hair extensions, remove your bra padding (if you are wearing a bra) and wash off all of your deodorant. Come back to the table, gauge your dates reaction.

The Bum Test

Ask your date if he gives money to Bums. Homeless people are often mentally ill or have become so down-and-out they have completely lost their way. Any man that can not sympathize with that is a DOUCHE BAG. That's right, he does not appreciate his home and he has no regard for other people. Slap your date, steal his wallet, and give it to a bum.

The Bad Attitude Test

For no reason, give your date a huge attitude. Roll your eyes. Three snaps in a BITCH formation. Act like a child. See how much he is willing to deal with, these will be the boundaries of your relationship.

The Banana Test

At any given point of the night, pull a banana out of your purse. Bananas are an excellent source of Fiber. Your date will be shocked, and torn between his  natural urge to make a sexual comment and still act like a gentlemen. Peel the banana, never break eye contact. Ask for spoon. Confused, your date hands you a spoon. Pulverize the banana and then say you're not hungry anymore and you hate bananas.

The Down Talk Test

Talk down to your date. Even if he is 10+ years your senior. Question his intelligence. Interrupt him and quiz him on his random factoid knowledge. Some of my favorites are

*What does LED stand for?

* Random Star Wars/ Lord of the Rings/ and John Wayne trivia.

* Why is the ocean blue?

It is important that your date is intelligent.  At some point in the future you might be expected to interact with other couples.(AH!) He needs to be smart enough for the  both of you so you can hide and get drunk in the corner of a family party/dinner date.

You should seriously consider at least trying out one of these. Otherwise you might find yourself having a meaningful conversation while on a date.

xoxo

Hiding Feather

Filling Awkward Silences.

Getting to know a stranger can be painful, especially if you are sober. If your date has agreed to see you for a third time, assume that you are both mutually crippled with loneliness. Here are a few pointers. Do not Listen to anything I say.

1. If you and your date can barely look each other in the eye, you should have sex as soon as possible. Remember, there is no situation that a little whiskey and Viagra can't fix.

2.When he shows you the care package his mother sent him, experiment with its contents, sexually. Pop Rocks included. Disregard the fact that you have not seen Pop Rocks since1995. If doesn't look like it will easily send you to the emergency room, just try it. Might as well leave with a new trick under your belt.

3. Know that this is is not what the Phantom of the Opera meant when he sang "Past the Point of No Return."

4. Continue to talk to about your vibrator. Your date must always know you prefer artificial satisfaction over human contact.

5. Talk about how many problems you have.  Show your date that you are no longer proportionate to the tons of baggage you are carrying. Present your date with an open invitation into the Tornado of your Bullshit.

6. If all else is failing, drop names like bombs. Name dropping is safe as it speaks of your social life without having to personally do with you. It also makes you look cool.

7. Argue about who is cooler. Probably neither of you. Ignore road signs. When your date says "Once I start drinking, I can't stop" and then stares at the floor do not see this as a RED FLAG. Instead, see it as a man who emerged from his 20's still knowing how to have a good, drunk time. Its a party flag!

8. When your waitress comes back, scream 'YES' in her face before she has the chance to ask you if you would like another jack and coke
.

9. If you are crippled, like me, make a bitter comment about your dates physical capabilities. This lets your date know, that although you may be significantly younger than him, you are both mentally/physically deteriorating.

10. Talk about yourself as much as possible. Cut your date off. Only stop to pee, tweet, and to lick the salt of your margarita glass. If its possible to have your actual voice, and your voice on the car radio going at the same time, do that.

11. When your date finally agrees to take you back to his house because he/she is too drunk to drive you home, make sure there is enough alcohol in the house to sustain you both. If this is in question, run to the nearest liquor store.

12. Smoke his cigarettes. When he walks into his smoke filled bedroom put it out in the candle on the night stand and deny everything. Never tell on yourself.

10. When your date drops you off at home, walk past your father smelling like whiskey, cigarettes and latex. Glare at him, know this is all his fault.

11. Keep drinking

xox
Crippled Feathers

Congrats, You Made it To Date Number Two.

Congrats, your date for one reason or another has decided to see you again. He might be desperate or he may have been drunk when he/she agreed to meet up. Regardless, you have made it to the second round. Also known as the NO BULL SHIT ZONE. Approach with no caution. 

1. Answer the door in a wedding dress. Beating around the bush gets you no where.

2. Stage a bar fight. Get one of your brother's friends to approach you at the bar and say " I was sitting here." It is important that you have a man that can defend you and also keep his seat at a bar. 

 3. Challenge him. This ties into my and Serendipity's "Bad First Date Advice Rule #9 :Establishing Dominance." Its important to know where you stand in the relationship. At any given point of the night, whip a leather glove out of your pocket and smack him across the face. If he rejects your challenge you are in safe waters. Do not explain yourself. If he fights back, do everything and anything to win and whatever you do DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

4. Look your Gift Horse in the Mouth. Teeth are important. They are a symbol of social status and are an important genetic trait.

5. Google. Ask him for his last name and then Google the shit out him while he is telling you about his job. If you are on a date with a murderer, you should know by the second date.

6. While he is telling you about his parents divorce, hold you hand up and say "Hold on, I'm Tweeting." Snap a picture of your drink, and Tweet. And then say "Ok, so what were we talking about? Oh that's right you were going to buy me another drink!"

7. Take out the baby doll you keep in your purse. Strap it to him, and gush about how natural he looks.

8. The night is coming to a close meaning the bar is closing so it is very important to make what I call "Drunk Plans" These are the never-gonna-happen outlandish, ridiculous, plans that over-excited drunk people make. Hand him the invite to your wedding that you made this morning using Adobe Paint and FaceinaHole.com.

9. Before you go home, have your date take you to CVS to buy batteries for your vibrator. This lets your date know that you are looking for a good time without him. You are a strong, independent woman.

10. Invite him in. Wake your parents up.

You will settle for nothing less than a soul mate riddled and crippled with Stockholm Syndrome. Your future husband is intrigued! Before he leaves, leave your Plan-B, tooth brush, and Social Security Card in his car so he has another reason to see you again.

xox
Crippled Feathers

The Best First Date Advice You Will Ever Read

1. Get drunk. Like really drunk. Cover this person in your emotional vomit. Hold back nothing. Make sure your eyes and are as slitty and un-readable as possible.

2. Allude to the pepper spray in your purse, and the baseball bat in your car. A girl can never be too safe.

3. Be prepared for some awkward conversation. Bring a tape recorder in case he says something absolutely hysterical, like "I love cucumber sandwiches" or "I'm a gay werewolf" or "did you like Celine Dion's latest album?"

4. Men are sensitive, so let's not make any comments about his shitty car, his low paying job, his bad hair cut, or the fact that he's short. Mmm k?

5. Talk about your ex. I like to open with a story. "One time my ex crossed the line so I left him at a gas station in the ghetto and hour away from our apartment."

6. Take out your I-Phone, snap a picture of your date, upload to your Make A Baby App, then show him.

7. Order something really gruesome or expensive, like the Kobe Beef or Jambalaya. Eat an entire steak with your hands.Try to appear as unhealthy as possible. You don't want to misrepresent yourself. If he asks you out again, it means you can eat pizza and chug beer around him with no guilt (not that that's ever stopped me.)

8. Order another drink. Start crying.


9. This is the perfect time to preform the "grab test." Knowledge is power. Crack your knuckles, then reach under the table.

10. Establish dominance over the situation. Spill your drink and make him clean it up. Better yet, grab your cell phone out of your purse and tell him you need to "use the bathroom." Then let him sit for a while, wondering what you're doing in there.

This can also known as the Stockholm Affect. At some point, whisper in his ear "If you ever leave me, Ill kill your entire family." Then kiss him on the cheek, and giggle.

11. When he drops you off at your place, tell him you had a really fun time, and you want to see him again, and you think you might "be in Love already!" You now have him in your bear trap .Enjoy.

And there you have it! The dating advice that Never Fails. Tune in next time for the TOP 10 REASONS TO DATE A VAMPIRE. ;) Adeiu!
xox
Serendipity & Feathers

Art Contest Prizes!

As most of you know, I have set up an Art Contest on Deviant Art for Tommy Ratliff and Adam Lambert Fans. 
I have been accepting prizes from donors for the past month or so and I have quite the pool of awesome Music Prizes!

The Biggest, Most Impressive Prize is a copy of a Japanese Rolling Stone Magazine, featuring Adam Lambert on the cover, and signed by the artist. This amazing gift was signed for a fan at a Meet and greet and then framed and donated! The Donor was none other than our favorite Charlene Tomlin

Names

Your name, Its so unique!

It isn't really though, just Chantal -- with an A at the end. 

My dad thought Chantal Parris sounded trashy
Thanks for the consideration Dad
Just a name my mom picked out of a romance novel she picked up while waiting in line at the market.
You know the book, the one with Fabio on the cover
Someone told me it translates to "beautiful song."

I think it really means "a rocky place."
It's French, I'm Mexican.
I'm Mexican but my Spanish will offend you.

5 am

Good morning hole in my chest. I see you're still here.


The only logical explanation is that I am borrowing someone elses body.
Left in the intense company of a stranger.
And now to make the decision of what to drag with me and what to leave behind.

Caught somewhere in the in between....
I wish you would just let me take care of you
So that I don't have to take care of myself.

And address tapping on my window at night
Reminding me of what I was really thinking
 In what I thought was my final moment
For the second time this year.

Although I know that I am already more or less of the person I always will be.