1. Get drunk. Like really drunk. Cover this person in your emotional vomit. Hold back nothing. Make sure your eyes and are as slitty and un-readable as possible.
2. Allude to the pepper spray in your purse, and the baseball bat in your car. A girl can never be too safe.
3. Be prepared for some awkward conversation. Bring a tape recorder in case he says something absolutely hysterical, like "I love cucumber sandwiches" or "I'm a gay werewolf" or "did you like Celine Dion's latest album?"
4. Men are sensitive, so let's not make any comments about his shitty car, his low paying job, his bad hair cut, or the fact that he's short. Mmm k?
5. Talk about your ex. I like to open with a story. "One time my ex crossed the line so I left him at a gas station in the ghetto and hour away from our apartment."
6. Take out your I-Phone, snap a picture of your date, upload to your Make A Baby App, then show him.
7. Order something really gruesome or expensive, like the Kobe Beef or Jambalaya. Eat an entire steak with your hands.Try to appear as unhealthy as possible. You don't want to misrepresent yourself. If he asks you out again, it means you can eat pizza and chug beer around him with no guilt (not that that's ever stopped me.)
8. Order another drink. Start crying.
9. This is the perfect time to preform the "grab test." Knowledge is power. Crack your knuckles, then reach under the table.
9. This is the perfect time to preform the "grab test." Knowledge is power. Crack your knuckles, then reach under the table.
10. Establish dominance over the situation. Spill your drink and make him clean it up. Better yet, grab your cell phone out of your purse and tell him you need to "use the bathroom." Then let him sit for a while, wondering what you're doing in there.This can also known as the Stockholm Affect. At some point, whisper in his ear "If you ever leave me, Ill kill your entire family." Then kiss him on the cheek, and giggle.
11. When he drops you off at your place, tell him you had a really fun time, and you want to see him again, and you think you might "be in Love already!" You now have him in your bear trap .Enjoy.
And there you have it! The dating advice that Never Fails. Tune in next time for the TOP 10 REASONS TO DATE A VAMPIRE. ;) Adeiu!
xox
Serendipity & Feathers
xox
Serendipity & Feathers
Sounds like a perfect first date to me!!! ;D lol!
ReplyDeletei've had him sitting in this bear trap for 18 hours now and he's starting to smell. what should I do next? i shoved some potpourri in his wound. i really feel like he's the one, because he's crying a lot and that means he's emotional about us being together. this blog really helped. thanks serendipity & feathers.
ReplyDelete@Catcher
ReplyDeleteWhatever you do, don't feel sorry for him. If he's a real man, he can take it. Just let him sit around a while longer and eventually he'll pass out. Then let him out of the bear trap and douse him in water. When he wakes up, he'll be a shell of his former self, and completely at your disposal. :)
Congratulations! You now have your very own Man Slave.
-S
Febreeze takes care of rotting flesh smells. If he loves you he will suffer for you.
ReplyDelete