THE MAN RAG

DOES THIS SOUND FAMILIAR?

Some douchebag picks you up in his car, drives all pouty back to his house, proceeds in drinking a bottle of vodka and then quietly cries himself to sleep. You try to engage him by chatting, watching TV, asking him about his job or even trying to have sex... but nothing works. He's in a bad mood and you might as well be a fly on the wall.

THE MAN RAG (also known as "man-period") can last 5-7 days and is often accompanied by excessive pouting, bloating, complaining, drinking and fatigue. Are you and your man in a fight, or is he on his man-rag? Here are some ways to tell:

1. PMS (Pouty Man Syndrome): It seems like everything you say makes him pout. And the more he pouts, the more you want to scream at him. He won't look you in the eye or directly respond to anything you say. Also, lots of drama. For instance, he jumps out of your car at an intersection because he wants your attention, or locks himself in his room to write in his journal.

2. Man Bloating: Suddenly all he talks about is how fat he's getting. I hate it when men talk about their weight. STFU. He won't shut up about the extra ten pounds, never mind that he's 6ft tall and you can't tell anyway. Also, he keeps touching his head and saying he's going bald. All you can do is deny it and take another sip of your cheap wine.

3. Video Games: Some guys play video games for "fun," but in this case it's a sign of severe depression. You can tell how sad he is by how many explosions are coming from the TV. He's sad... but really, he's mad. At everything. Especially you. And the only way he can cope is by shutting his bedroom door and turning up the volume. If you haven't already, I would suggest taking a wino nap.

4. Munchies: McDonald's breakfast at 3am? Is your man an emotional eater? How many bags are stashed under his half of the bed? Your man's food cravings are hard and fast. French fries, cheese sticks, pizza, hamburgers, chili dogs, nachos... no wonder he's feeling bloated! Don't worry, he'll stop eating in a few days when he realizes he's being an oversensitive douche.

5. Booze: You date a good guy and he doesn't usually drink, but suddenly there's a six-pack next to his computer chair and all he'll talk about is how controlling you are. Suddenly it's your fault that he doesn't drink as much as he wants, or that his friends never come over, or that he has to stay extra hours work. He wants to break out and feel like a "real man." He wants to drink, fight, drive fast and piss in an alley somewhere. All you can do is steal one of his beers and plan a night out with your girlfriends.

6. Weird Sex: Does your boyfriend suddenly want to role play, try a new position, hump in an elevator or experiment with whips and chains? Is he feeling creative and you can't wait to hop on board? Even worse, does his libido seem completely dead? You might be in the middle of a big pouty fight, but expect the make-up sex to be wilder and kinkier than any you have had before. If the opposite is true, don't be disappointed if he can't get it up because of the excessive drinking and fast food.

HOW TO COPE

Patience is a virtue! Never forget that you are smarter, stronger, faster, and more emotionally independent than your boyfriend. If he's on the man-rag and driving you nuts, try a bottle of wine (or two.) Get out of the house. Go on a "date" with one of his friends. Exercise. Take a vacation for a week. No matter what you do, the sure-fire way to fix this problem is to leave it alone. If you disappear for a few days, by the time you return he'll be starving, lonely, horny, and dying to make it up to you. 

HI I'M COOKIE

Hi, my name is Cookie! And in this post you are going to learn all about ME!

1. First thing you should know about me... is that I am made of cloud.

Long ago, I floated to Chantala's house on a white cloud. I came to her in a dream, and when she woke up -- poof! There I was!

2. I like mud.

Mud is delicious. It tastes like chocolate dirt. I also like eating the little squishy things that I find in the mud. Sometimes, when no one's looking, I roll in mud for hours and hours... and nobody knows!

3. Sometimes I get sad.

Sometimes I get yelled at and everyone gets mad at me. I don't know why. They scold me and I feel sad, so then I hide.

4. I love fiestas.

I am a spanish poodle (un perro caliente) and I like to celebrate my heritage by throwing big parties. Everyone drinks lots of bubbly juice and gets very happy. I like to cuddle with my friends and fall asleep with everyone on the couch.

5. My room mate is an evil genius.

I have a roomie named Sally.... She's plotting world "donamation" or world "dalmation" or something like that. Sometimes I make fun of her hair because it looks like a dandelion. I'm bigger than her, so sometimes she uses me as a stool. She barks a lot.

6. I have a pet bird.

His name is Mr. Holly. He doesn't know he's my pet bird... but he is. Here's a picture of him and my roomie.

7. I like to nap.

Napping is wonderful... I spend most of the day napping or playing in mud. Sometimes I nap so much that I forget to wake up.

8. I eat feathers. I am an important assistant to a large feather corporation... my job is to eat as many feathers as I can find. Sometimes I accidentally inhale them and they get stuck to my brain. This is a picture of me at work.

9. I am really the Phantom of the Opera. Surprise! Bet you didn't recognize me, huh?

10. I study philosophy. This is me reading the Tao of Pooh. I am the uncarved wood.

11. I hang with rock stars. (That's me in the sunglasses.)

As you can see, being a cloud poodle is a lot of hard work. I live a busy but productive life. Nice to meet you! Be my friend @CookieParris!

How Limp is Too Limp?

READERS BEWARE: Do not read this post if you have a sensitive stomach (or if you are easily offended.)

This past weekend, I had a revelation: life outside of high school is rampant with ED. No, not "Executive Directors" or "Early Death" or even "Extreme Disappointment." My friends, we are talking about Erectile Dysfunction.

Yes, I have seen men as young as 20 stricken with this terrible disease. There is nothing worse than making out with a guy, reaching for a handful and finding a package of gummy worms. Is it because of too much sex? Too little? Too much to drink? Not enough sleep? Bad diet? Nervousness? FEAR? The cause of ED is as mysterious as the female orgasm, but don't worry too much! In this post, we are going to explore the different kinds of ED and a few possible remedies.

THE LIMP LIST

1) THE HANGED-MAN. The Hanged-Man may be hung, but he is also full of guilt. Guilt because you remind him too much of his mother, or maybe he was raised too religiously and can't relax during sex, or maybe he's cheating on you and actually cares about your feelings. Whatever his reason, the very act of sex kills his libido even better than falling into ice water.

THE CURE: Dye your hair so you don't look like his mom. If you really love him, you may want to try sex therapy or psychotherapy... or, better yet, try abstinence. Abstain for three days and he'll bust down your door.

2) THE PANSY. Oh no, he's afraid of you! What did you do? Did you impress him with your years of bedroom experience, or did you tell him you're a virgin? Well, congratulations for following our amazing dating advice, but this is one of the unforetold setbacks. You've kept him in a cage in your basement too long and he's scared to come out. Or maybe he's just scared of sex in general, in which case, sounds like he may need to "man up." Either way, there is a simple cure to this problem:

THE CURE: A good solid beating.

3) DRUNK DERK. Perhaps the worse and most easily recognizable problem, "DD" arises after a night of too many drinks. It's common at frat parties, birthday parties, New Year's Eve, baby showers, Halloween, and wedding receptions. Drunk Derk also happens to be one of the key signs of alcoholism. Is your man an alcoholic? Now you know.

THE CURE: A nap... or a 12-step program!

4) FLACID OR ACID? Just like Drunk Derk, Acid (or "Crack") Derk is also a sign of a serious drug problem. This kind of ED can be identified by your man's blank, empty stare. Does he look cracked out? Are there pock-marks on his face? Meth scratches? Track marks? I would be careful to check for signs of STD's and possible "loser syndrome," which can strike any man at any age.

THE CURE: BREAK UP and run for the hills!

5) THE FALTY BALLOON. It inflates. It deflates. You take it for a ride and it breaks down. Perhaps it is not complete ED, but you're still the one doing most of the work and getting very little reward. It's like playing with a sponge or a water balloon. Fun to squeeze and smack around... but that's about it. TFB can be caused by many things: age, bad diet, distraction, stress, etc. In fact, half the time TFB has no real cause at all. So what's the deal? How do you cure it?

THE CURE: You can't... you're better off carrying a bottle of viagra in your purse. Spike htis drink, think of it as a dating enhancement pill! (and carry a bottle of Jack to drink your sorrows away....)

There you have it! Five kinds of ED and possible cures. Remember girls, never let your man drink too much on a date, always carry a condom, and never put a condom on a limp derk. You'll only end up wasting your rubber. ;)

Lots of love!

x
Serendipity

Top 5 Revelations of 2010

2010 was a big year. Lots of stuff happened. I think, just maybe, I might have learned something... or maybe not. Either way, here are a few revelations that I had this year:

5) Dying your hair is fun. Ever wanted to be a new person? Try therapy. Ever wanted to look like a new person? Try radically dying your hair! The best part is lying when people ask if it's natural. :)

4) Don't take stuff personal. Like when your best friend runs drunkenly down the street at 2am yelling that you "don't really love her." Or when a creepy guy looks you up and down and mutters "Well, at least you're proportionate." Or when a homeless bum asks you if you're over 40, and you just turned 22.

3) Everyone has an opinion. Yes, everyone, including you. But that doesn't mean I have to listen! People would be happier if they had less opinions.

2) People are crazy. Before this year I held out hope that there was some golden age when everyone magically matured and became normal. But now as I enter the adult world, I find that my suspicions are confirmed... yes, everyone is fucking insane. It appears that as we grow older, we also get weirder. It's all downhill from here!

and, my #1 revelation of 2010....

1) Men never grow up. Never. Ever. Not in their twenties, thirties, or forties... and by the time they're fifty, they're half dead anyway. Men are emotionally and psychologically weaker than women. Their ears are hundreds of times less developed than ours; the communication centers of their brains are notably smaller; they are less compassionate, more prone to violence, and way, way more sexual. And the saddest part is that we can't live without them. :(

There you have it, a few small revelations for 2010. Hopefully 2011 will find me with a new, awesome hair color and miraculously change my opinion of men. Happy New Year, everyone!

x
Serendipity