Congrats, You Made it To Date Number Two.

Congrats, your date for one reason or another has decided to see you again. He might be desperate or he may have been drunk when he/she agreed to meet up. Regardless, you have made it to the second round. Also known as the NO BULL SHIT ZONE. Approach with no caution. 

1. Answer the door in a wedding dress. Beating around the bush gets you no where.

2. Stage a bar fight. Get one of your brother's friends to approach you at the bar and say " I was sitting here." It is important that you have a man that can defend you and also keep his seat at a bar. 

 3. Challenge him. This ties into my and Serendipity's "Bad First Date Advice Rule #9 :Establishing Dominance." Its important to know where you stand in the relationship. At any given point of the night, whip a leather glove out of your pocket and smack him across the face. If he rejects your challenge you are in safe waters. Do not explain yourself. If he fights back, do everything and anything to win and whatever you do DO NOT APOLOGIZE.

4. Look your Gift Horse in the Mouth. Teeth are important. They are a symbol of social status and are an important genetic trait.

5. Google. Ask him for his last name and then Google the shit out him while he is telling you about his job. If you are on a date with a murderer, you should know by the second date.

6. While he is telling you about his parents divorce, hold you hand up and say "Hold on, I'm Tweeting." Snap a picture of your drink, and Tweet. And then say "Ok, so what were we talking about? Oh that's right you were going to buy me another drink!"

7. Take out the baby doll you keep in your purse. Strap it to him, and gush about how natural he looks.

8. The night is coming to a close meaning the bar is closing so it is very important to make what I call "Drunk Plans" These are the never-gonna-happen outlandish, ridiculous, plans that over-excited drunk people make. Hand him the invite to your wedding that you made this morning using Adobe Paint and FaceinaHole.com.

9. Before you go home, have your date take you to CVS to buy batteries for your vibrator. This lets your date know that you are looking for a good time without him. You are a strong, independent woman.

10. Invite him in. Wake your parents up.

You will settle for nothing less than a soul mate riddled and crippled with Stockholm Syndrome. Your future husband is intrigued! Before he leaves, leave your Plan-B, tooth brush, and Social Security Card in his car so he has another reason to see you again.

xox
Crippled Feathers