What He Really Means....

[The following phrases are from real life! At one point in time, someone said these things to either me or Feathers. Proceed at your own risk....] 


I work from home:
I sleep until noon every day. I watch porn all day and look up crazy shit on the internet! I only leave my home to re-stock on booze and buy toilet paper. If you have an issue with the absurd amount of porn I watch we are not going to get along.

It's not like I'm going to be your boyfriend tomorrow:
Commitment is terrifying!  I have issues. Not sorry about it.


Want to get coffee? 
I really want to get drunk but it's only 2 in the afternoon.


You seem really mature for your age: I'm really immature for my age. I definitely know better! I am trying to flatter you and make you feel like you are a part of the cool old people club! Is it working?



I'm a gay werewolf! Wooooof:
.... 

You remind me of my mom:
I want to have sex with my mother. 

We should do something soon. I'll call you:
I'm too lazy to make real plans with you right now...or ever.

I'm the smartest person in my class/work/friends:
I have erectile dysfunction and/or I'm really short. I have a major complex and am seeking affirmation in you! Please stroke my ego-- it is dying!


You smell nice:
I want to smell all of you. 

I value women for their brains:

I'm addicted to masturbation.

I'm trying to start my own business:
I'm not doing anything. I try to impress people with all of the big plans I'm making in between playing video games. Talking about all of the things I am going to do is distracting you from looking at the big pile of NOTHING that is my life.



and finally....


I did ecstasy naked in a sweat lodge with the cast of Full House: (Favorite)
I'm a normal, upstanding adult with lots of friends and productive hobbies!