How Limp is Too Limp?

READERS BEWARE: Do not read this post if you have a sensitive stomach (or if you are easily offended.)

This past weekend, I had a revelation: life outside of high school is rampant with ED. No, not "Executive Directors" or "Early Death" or even "Extreme Disappointment." My friends, we are talking about Erectile Dysfunction.

Yes, I have seen men as young as 20 stricken with this terrible disease. There is nothing worse than making out with a guy, reaching for a handful and finding a package of gummy worms. Is it because of too much sex? Too little? Too much to drink? Not enough sleep? Bad diet? Nervousness? FEAR? The cause of ED is as mysterious as the female orgasm, but don't worry too much! In this post, we are going to explore the different kinds of ED and a few possible remedies.

THE LIMP LIST

1) THE HANGED-MAN. The Hanged-Man may be hung, but he is also full of guilt. Guilt because you remind him too much of his mother, or maybe he was raised too religiously and can't relax during sex, or maybe he's cheating on you and actually cares about your feelings. Whatever his reason, the very act of sex kills his libido even better than falling into ice water.

THE CURE: Dye your hair so you don't look like his mom. If you really love him, you may want to try sex therapy or psychotherapy... or, better yet, try abstinence. Abstain for three days and he'll bust down your door.

2) THE PANSY. Oh no, he's afraid of you! What did you do? Did you impress him with your years of bedroom experience, or did you tell him you're a virgin? Well, congratulations for following our amazing dating advice, but this is one of the unforetold setbacks. You've kept him in a cage in your basement too long and he's scared to come out. Or maybe he's just scared of sex in general, in which case, sounds like he may need to "man up." Either way, there is a simple cure to this problem:

THE CURE: A good solid beating.

3) DRUNK DERK. Perhaps the worse and most easily recognizable problem, "DD" arises after a night of too many drinks. It's common at frat parties, birthday parties, New Year's Eve, baby showers, Halloween, and wedding receptions. Drunk Derk also happens to be one of the key signs of alcoholism. Is your man an alcoholic? Now you know.

THE CURE: A nap... or a 12-step program!

4) FLACID OR ACID? Just like Drunk Derk, Acid (or "Crack") Derk is also a sign of a serious drug problem. This kind of ED can be identified by your man's blank, empty stare. Does he look cracked out? Are there pock-marks on his face? Meth scratches? Track marks? I would be careful to check for signs of STD's and possible "loser syndrome," which can strike any man at any age.

THE CURE: BREAK UP and run for the hills!

5) THE FALTY BALLOON. It inflates. It deflates. You take it for a ride and it breaks down. Perhaps it is not complete ED, but you're still the one doing most of the work and getting very little reward. It's like playing with a sponge or a water balloon. Fun to squeeze and smack around... but that's about it. TFB can be caused by many things: age, bad diet, distraction, stress, etc. In fact, half the time TFB has no real cause at all. So what's the deal? How do you cure it?

THE CURE: You can't... you're better off carrying a bottle of viagra in your purse. Spike htis drink, think of it as a dating enhancement pill! (and carry a bottle of Jack to drink your sorrows away....)

There you have it! Five kinds of ED and possible cures. Remember girls, never let your man drink too much on a date, always carry a condom, and never put a condom on a limp derk. You'll only end up wasting your rubber. ;)

Lots of love!

x
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