Groupie 101

Doing stuff is hard. Leeching on to someone else's accomplishments is easier. If standing in the long cast, neon shadows of someone else's career sounds like fun to you-- you are in the right place! If you have a vagina (or any genitalia for that matter) congrats! You have an all access backstage pass!

1. Walk, don't run. Play it cool. Keep your neurotic fangirl screaming in your head where it can quietly fester into a metal illness.

2. Condoms, always condoms. But variety is the spice of life, so sleep with as many people as one night will allow.

3. Never throw away band merch. YOU NEVER KNOW

4. Be a hard bitch. The chances are that your unaccomplished boyfriend and his garage band drink....alot. Practice drinking. Push your body as far as it will go. Laugh in the face organ failure. Shoot whiskey and pound Guinness.

5. Never wear a bra or underwear. Its not enough just to be desperate--you have to look it too. When the night is over, and your new friend asks where your undies are, say I'M NOT WEARING ANY :D Don't tell him its because you despise doing laundry.

6. Don't lie to yourself. If you marry a touring musician you can never create a home life for this man that is more fun/exciting than what hes already doing. So have lots of hobbies and lovers on the side. Never have children. If you do, your growing resentment for your husband will show itself in short, bitter Tweets that say things like "I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING FUN DIPSHIT"

7. Learn how to hot wire a car in case you need to rig a tour bus and drive it off a cliff.

8. Always have your business card (with your cell phone number on it) readily available. Like in your bra. (if your wearing one)  This is networking remember?

9. Be overly confident! Never let someones success intimidate you. Instead of waiting behind a velvet rope , hop over it! I first tried this at a Coheed and Cambria concert. It was starting to rain and I thought, "What am I doing? I have school tomorrow." I hopped the rope and was booed by all the other fans. I knocked on the bus and was invited in. Boom. Then I turned around and flipped off my boyfriend while he stood in the rain.

10. Never offer to help. You don't want to be confused with a Roadie, or a tech crew. Those people have to carry stuff. And lets face it, your too drunk to assemble a drum kit or plug stuff in.

Take all of this advice! If you need to print this out and fold it up in your purse, do that. Let your date find it. 

xo

Feathers

Everyone Likes Games!

Getting to know a person is complicated. People are often elusive and quick to hide the hideous monster they are inside. Here are a series of tests and games you can play on your date thus furthering yourself from any real intimacy, which is terrifying.

The "What I Really Look Like" Test

Walk into the bathroom, remove all of your make up. Peel of your fake eyelashes, take out your contacts, pull out your hair extensions, remove your bra padding (if you are wearing a bra) and wash off all of your deodorant. Come back to the table, gauge your dates reaction.

The Bum Test

Ask your date if he gives money to Bums. Homeless people are often mentally ill or have become so down-and-out they have completely lost their way. Any man that can not sympathize with that is a DOUCHE BAG. That's right, he does not appreciate his home and he has no regard for other people. Slap your date, steal his wallet, and give it to a bum.

The Bad Attitude Test

For no reason, give your date a huge attitude. Roll your eyes. Three snaps in a BITCH formation. Act like a child. See how much he is willing to deal with, these will be the boundaries of your relationship.

The Banana Test

At any given point of the night, pull a banana out of your purse. Bananas are an excellent source of Fiber. Your date will be shocked, and torn between his  natural urge to make a sexual comment and still act like a gentlemen. Peel the banana, never break eye contact. Ask for spoon. Confused, your date hands you a spoon. Pulverize the banana and then say you're not hungry anymore and you hate bananas.

The Down Talk Test

Talk down to your date. Even if he is 10+ years your senior. Question his intelligence. Interrupt him and quiz him on his random factoid knowledge. Some of my favorites are

*What does LED stand for?

* Random Star Wars/ Lord of the Rings/ and John Wayne trivia.

* Why is the ocean blue?

It is important that your date is intelligent.  At some point in the future you might be expected to interact with other couples.(AH!) He needs to be smart enough for the  both of you so you can hide and get drunk in the corner of a family party/dinner date.

You should seriously consider at least trying out one of these. Otherwise you might find yourself having a meaningful conversation while on a date.

xoxo

Hiding Feather