I Am Scared to Date: A Reflection

I can only speak from my own terrifying experiences. My encounter with men over the few years I've been actively dating has left me in a whirl wind of confusion and red wine stains. However, you can be spared! Do you ever find yourself muttering "what the hell am I doing?" If the answer is yes, you must be dating! And here are a few things to consider...

Stability is over rated.
I was walking down the street on a cool summer night on my way to go visit my Man-Boy friend. As I got closer to his layer I could hear his metronome ticking wildly in the night! I stepped into his house to find his electric drum set, metronome and keyboard still turned on, while he was taking a Whiskey nap face down on the hard wood floor. I nudged him with my foot, but he was fast asleep. I chatted up his roommate for awhile (he was so nice) and then I took the Whiskey and went to my friends house. Stability in a man is over rated. Every try to knock down a brick wall? Its hard work.

Driving
How does your man drive? Does he drive a big car but lack the balls to park it? Does he turn into Satan's Spawn when somebody cuts him off? I find uncontrolabble road rage disturning. You should too.

Drinking
What kind of drinker is he? Is he a friendly drunk? A sloppy drunk? Does he tweet things like "Im just a nicer and more personable person when I'm drunk. So there is a plus" while he is hanging out with you? This probably means "My thoughts are a constant stream of negative comments. When I'm drunk they are broken up with strides of drunk-bantering, thus making myself, and your company, more tolerable" Its not the worst thing. Just know you have to keep this person on an IV drip of Lemon Drop Martinis.

Mommy
Peoples lives can revolve around a uneding relationship with their parents. Whats left of a mans identity often resides in his mother. If you dating or engaged to a mamas boy, be prepared to marry this woman. So you better like her, alot.


Also to consider: Men, you do not need to carry on about how much you love your Mother. Do not share cell phone pics, its weird. We are watching your every word and move like a Hawk, so if you want to come of as a sweet and loving guy, act like it first, then talk about it.

Body language
You do not need to be a master interpreter of body language to read physical acts of "I want to kill myself". Does your date look uncomfortable? Which direction are his feet pointing? When people have their feet turned away from you, they are uninterested in your conversation. Is he running his fingers through his hair every 10 seconds? Fussing with his bangs? (bangs are another Indicator of Man-Boyiness) Does your date look like he is physically and emotionally trying to escape his own flesh? You probably have a shy person on your hands. It's OK, just add alcohol and they should emerge from their shell. Or, you may have a very socially inept person your hands, in which case, still add alcohol. Skip the beer, jump straight into the hard shit.

Dating is scary. People are unpredictable like raccoons. But unlike raccoons, you cannot trap them in a cage and call animal services. They are free to roam and date who ever they please. Never give someone more credit than they deserve and if you ever find your boyfriend passed out face down on the hardwood floor, do absolutely everything to try and stay with this person.