How to do Baggage Math
A man has to be proportionate to the baggage he is carrying. Meaning, he has to be worth the extra weight-pull on your part, because you will have to carry something. Never fear, your new man's Human Value is calculable.
The Quick Test
Paycheck x Dick Size + Number of minutes in bed = ________
The Long Test
Using a Scale from 1 to 10 answer these questions
1. Is he good in bed ___
2. How good looking is he/she ___
3. How would you rate the way he treats you? Does he open doors for you, listen to you, and buy you wine?___
4. Does he do any cool tricks? (music, modeling, painting, fire breathing ect..)___
Add up your answers. The highest is a 40, expect to be somewhere around a 25-28.
If you are below a 25, there is still hope.
The Yes/No Questions
1. Does he have a car?___
2. Is he willing to always be the drunk driver? You are not getting a DUI.____
3. Does he have a job?____
4. Does he have his own place and a bed frame?____
5. Do his parents live far, far away?_____
Add up your answers. For every "no" subtract 5 points. For every yes add 5.
The Baggage Itself
Subtract these from your mans Human Value number you just figured.
-5 points
He has been in a relationship for no longer than 4 years
He has been in love more than once.
He had minor problems at home, nothing too out of the ordinary
 | |
| I wrote a song about it |
-10 points
He has been in a relationship for more than 4 years
He has been engaged
He has lived with a girl friend
He was the Dumpee and not the Dumper (men are sensitive)
He wrote an album
-20 Points
He has VD
He has a child
He is not sure if he has a child
He has severe erectile dysfunction
He has a restraining order issued against him
 |
| "You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house." |
There ya have it! Your mans human value is calculable. If your score is notably low, abandon him at the nearest gas station. You're best bet is go to a Comi Con convention and pick up on a nerdy and impresssionable virgin. Virgins carry little baggage.
 |
| This is a great location to abandon your boyfriend and his bullshit. |
I need to inform you that Comic Con nerd virgins do indeed come with baggage. It may not be ex gf baggage, but it's mom baggage, and inexperience baggage (yes that exists), and NERD baggage.
ReplyDeleteI was involved with someone who fits that exact description for about a week. He was effin adorable. But he was allergic to everything and always on the verge of death. He carried an EPI pen with him, and I almost had to use it on him once, but I escaped that by taking him home and BATHING HIM. I'm not even joking. He has no idea what he's allergic to and could die at any given moment.
Oh and he made me take him to comic book stores which was ok because i like that stuff but he lost his shit over the little role playing pieces and 12 sided dice and i was like wat.
Oh and also? He fell in love with me. Like hardcore. And i just wanted some fun. Which i had because I'm an evil and unloving person. But he wanted to MARRY me. And even after i told him we were done, he kept begging me to take him back, even though we were never officially together.
Cute nerd virgin boys are just as much a pain in the ass as every other man in the world. It's just a different flavor.
And i didn't even get to take his virginity.
You are a terrible De-virginizer. There is a special technique to dealing with fragile nerds. is this man still alive or did he have a epiphilatic fit in a field of pollen?
ReplyDeletehe's still alive. but he's not cute anymore. xD
ReplyDeleteI happen to be the Master De-virgnizer... sorta stumbled into the role by accident.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there's anything quite as pathetic as nerd baggage...
Are you tired of being human, having talented brain turning to a vampire in a good posture in ten minutes, Do you want to have power and influence over others, To be charming and desirable, To have wealth, health, without delaying in a good human posture and becoming an immortal? If yes, these your chance. It's a world of vampire where life get easier,We have made so many persons vampires and have turned them rich, You will assured long life and prosperity, You shall be made to be very sensitive to mental alertness, Stronger and also very fast, You will not be restricted to walking at night only even at the very middle of broad day light you will be made to walk, This is an opportunity to have the human vampire virus to perform in a good posture. If you are interested contact us on Vampirelord7878@gmail.com
ReplyDelete