How a sandwich ended my 5-year relationship...

  Let me start by saying that Kev really was a great guy. We met when I was 14 (in band camp) and fell madly in love. However, by the time I hit 18 we were growing a bit tired of each other. We had grown into completely different people, but alas, we did not know how to end things! Breaking up seemed so permanent -- and stressful! So, instead of ending things the healthy way, we waited until we were toeing the line of murder. I learned a lot from this relationship: what it truly meant to love another person, compromise, and trust... but mostly I learned what it meant to be blinded by rage.

It was the start of another day and Kev picked me up for school around noon. We had enrolled in college together (mistake #403) and had coinciding schedules. We would take turns packing lunches for one another and it was Kev's day to feed us. He reached in the backseat of his Explorer and said, "Here, I got you Subway." I opened the wrapper to inspect my sandwich and, to my horror, it was smothered with mayonnaise! I hate mayonnaise. I hate it more than natural disasters and incurable diseases. It is slimy, tasteless, and has literally billions of calories per teaspoon (ok maybe not literally.) I had been very vocal about my distaste for mayonnaise throughout the span of our five year relationship. By this point, I was infuriated.


Here are some different ways I could have reacted:

I could have cried and sniffled in the sweetest way possible. Men usually panic when you start crying. He would feel like a neglectful fool and apologize! I would have gotten a new sandwich and he would have wallowed in guilt. I probably would have gotten special treatment for the rest of the day!

If I was somewhat mature I could have wiped the mayonnaise off with a napkin and shot dirty sideways glances at him. I wouldn't say anything but I would add it to my silent passive aggressive list of "Things I hate about Kev."

If I was in denial I could have smiled and laughed it off! After all, it is a simple mistake! Mayonnaise may be the bane of my existence, but so are a lot of things.

Well, needless to say, I responded how anyone would with a boyfriend of 5 years. I chose to see the sandwich as a personal attack. He was destroying me from the inside and this was the final straw! I shed my human form and yelled like I had never yelled before.

Once I regained consciousness there was no denying it anymore! I knew the relationship couldn't continue. He had just bought me a sandwich with mayonnaise on it and nothing was going to get better. I was a crazy demonic satan spawn and I was okay with that. But this wasn't healthy for either of us.

After ripping the sandwich to pieces and force feeding it to him (Okay I'm not that crazy. I made that up. I totally should have though!) I had him drive me home and we didn't speak for about a year. I felt bad and he was scarred for life. Okay, so I could have handled it better, but the break-up was coming anyway. If it hadn't been the mayonnaise, it would have been something else.

Moral of the Story: Pay attention to how your girlfriend likes her Subway. Also, when it's time to break up, it's going to happen no matter what you do. Fate will intervene. Try to end on a good note... or not.

Just so you know, me and Kev are still friends. :) But we never go to Subway.