You Might Be Single, But Please Wear Pants

 Going through a "dry spell?" It's not the worst thing in the world to spend most of your time watching TV in a Snuggie with your dog. The tumbleweeds drifting through your love life will pass with time. Before I start, I feel the need to defend the Snuggie. Have you ever allowed yourself the pleasure? It's kind of like a hug but it's a blanket -- WITH SLEEVES. Sure, you can wear your bathrobe backwards but it's not the same. It's so simple! You're just sorry that you didn't think of it first. Also to remember, always wear pants with your Snuggie or your family will not want to spend time with you anymore.

Pants-wearing is another topic I'd like to touch on. Although I personally support your no-pants lifestyle, it is very important to wear them when leaving the house. Remember, CVS, Wal-Mart, and other all-purpose stores (although familiar) are not your living room. They have those 'No Shirts, No Shoes' signs for a reason. I realize they don't address NO PANTS but apparently it is supposed to be a given. Underwear is also important. Going "commando," however freeing, can come back to haunt you for the rest of your days.

For example, here is a real-life situation where you should probably wear underwear:

You never know when you might find yourself laying on the grass after a car accident surrounded by EMT's (who are also your coworkers), and hearing them argue about whether or not you peed yourself. You are 99% sure it's coffee. This could just be the most humiliating moment of your life -- but you are wrong. This is the most embarrassing moment of your life is only 10 seconds away when you realize that you are, in fact, not wearing any underwear. And you are in a dress.

    Do not bother with a recovery story. The EMT's do not care that you were on your way to help your friend clean her house before a party. Intentions hold little importance in an emergency; it really doesn't matter that you were planning on putting some on later.

 As it turns out, you cannot die of humiliation. Just keep reminding yourself that you probably won't be able to go back to work anyway so it doesn't matter that all of your coworkers just got a free (and very disturbing) peep show. This moment is a little lesson in underwear-wearing. You can tell your grand kids one day. Here's another scenario to consider:

Example #2:

  You made it down the street to the hospital! Your dress is taped around your legs because the EMT's were trying desperately to preserve your dignity. In a fit of panic you call a friend! Sometimes it's just nicer to have a quiet person around. After all, your girl-friends would lose their minds if they saw you strapped to gurney! Girls are over-dramatic. Always! D:

  However, there are some things to consider before choosing a hospital buddy. Remember that you are at a medical facility. Doctors will be asking you questions -- questions you have to answer, like "How much do you weigh?" and "When was the date of your last menstrual cycle?" and my favorite "Are you pregnant? Are you sure? Is there any possibility you might be pregnant? We have to know!" Suddenly you are regretting your decision to request company. You should have suffered alone! Too late... now answer the questions!

Now all of your coworkers know about your closet 'Comando' life style. Also, your hospital buddy knows how much you weigh and all about your menstrual cycle! Are you still alive? Good. At least he knows you're not pregnant. Whew!

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Injured Feathers (with a few tiny edits by Serendipity)