Douche Tolerence

Doucheometer (n)--  an internal measuring system to gauge male douchiness.

All women have an instinctive doucheometer, a willingness to put up with rudeness, disregard, and perversion from men. The men in our lives tamper with our precious measuring system without our knowledge. Our fathers, brother, uncles, cousins, friends and neighbors all influence how much man-crap we are willing to put up with. For example, if your dad is a massive D-bag, your douchometer has been weakened for your sanity and survival. Now you are left with an extremely high tolerance to d-baggery and are subject to date it! Your douchometer is rusty, you cannot and will not live like this! If you think yours might be broken, here are some steps you can take to fix it!

1. Step One: All sexual comments are to be greeted with stone face. Do not tolerate sexual comments to be made at, near, or around you. If you have to, fire warning sprays with your pepper spray. Sexual comments are not "fun" or "flirty." They're rude. Especially if you knew what men were really thinking.

Me trapped in a conversation with the King of all Douche Bags, Ding Ding

2. Step Two: Learn the separate the D-bags in a crowd. Look for Ed Hardy and other bedazzled pieces of clothing, sideways and backward baseball caps, tribal tattoos, orange spray tan flesh, sleeveless tanks, waxed eyebrows, man-boy clothes (this would be man dressed like a teenager) and other obvious indicators.

3. Step Three: Learn to recognize the "D-bag Vibe." Sure, he seems confident, except that he's made two comments about your ass and he keeps talking about his "massive guns" and how he can "kick ass." Warning! Warning! A man with true confidence opens doors for women and shows it by picking up the tab.

Me between two Douche Bags

4. Step Four: He's invited you at least once to come spend the night at his place, and this is only Date #1. Drop him!

5. Step Five: He keeps bringing up girls he's slept with in the past, "orgies" with celebrities, his numerous visits to the playboy mansion, and how long he can last in bed. DOUCHE.

6. Step Six: Alert yourself to any signs of misogyny (sexist jokes and/or symbols that we're told is "guy humor" but is really just female debasement.) Does he have a naked woman as a wallpaper on his phone and/or laptop? Posters in his room? Is his favorite movie from the directors of "Date Night" or "Old School"?

7. Step Seven: Wake up every morning, look yourself in the mirror, and tell yourself: "I am not going to die lonely and forgotten. My self esteem does not rely on attention from men. I deserve a man who will treat me like a lady and respect me." Now go out there and live it!

8. Step Eight: Fine tune your doucheometer. Don't waste time with men who are less than 90% of what you want. A good guy will be attentive to your needs, interested in your life, observant of your emotions, and anticipate any issues or drama in a relationship. Yes, "real men" exist. In fact, they're everywhere. Just most of them don't wear bedazzled shirts or pick up on chicks in bars.

And there you have it! Eight steps to fine-tuning your douchemeter. Remember girls, dating is fun -- but it's even more fun when you're not stuck with a douchebag!

Easter with douche bags!


 

xoxo
Serendipity and Feathers